


Failure is the first step towards success

by MidgardianNerd



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M, Mention of abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, anger issues, dog therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 21:34:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14317626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidgardianNerd/pseuds/MidgardianNerd
Summary: Poe Dameron is used to change people's lives, thanks to his job. He wasn't expecting to have his life changed by one of them in return.





	Failure is the first step towards success

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gaylo_ben](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaylo_ben/gifts).



> Filling the following prompt: "Due to his depression and anger issues, Ben Solo is prescribed an emotional support dog. Poe Dameron is a service dog trainer who helps Ben with his new companion."
> 
> I didn't think I would write so much and I hope there is consistency all along the story. I'm not used with the themes of the plot so I did some researches and I hope that I did nothing too much wrong. I hope you will enjoy it though.

It looked like any other day for Poe Dameron. He was up early, ready to go to see his lovely dogs, to feed them and to play with the youngest. Poe was already planning his whole day, scanning in his mind what he had to do before Finn joined him. Poe hid a yawn behind his hand before looking down and smiling to the well fed Jack russell jumping around his feet, always seeking Poe's attention and his well known affection for his little companion. The man offered a sweet petting on BB's head and the little dog felt satisfied, already running towards the barracks where his playmates were sleeping.

Poe stopped on the wooden porch of his house, letting the sun on his face waking him up. He needed these few moments alone, still in peace to be able to face the day. He couldn't know what the day could bring him. He hoped that he would be able to help someone but it was too often that people weren't taking seriously his job and what it could bring to them. Poe sighed. After four failures in the last three months, the man began to doubt. Not that the therapy he offered didn't work. It worked. Poe knew it to have seen it personally. But he began to doubt that the majority of the people would really believe in it.

Poe got out of his dark thoughts when he heard BB barking, impatient to wait Poe and already scratching against the door which was separating him from the other dogs. Poe chuckled because hurrying up to join his little tyrannical dog. It was time to face another day and to hope that he would be able to help someone.

 

* * *

 

When Poe finally released the pack of dogs in the big field one hour later, he wasn't expecting to see a car parking in the yard. It wouldn't be another hour before Finn finally coming. Poe wasn't used to see people coming to the center at a such early hour. After having checked that the enclosure was properly closed, Poe let BB playing with two youngs German sheperds.

A tall blond woman get out of the car and Poe recognized her. She was a therapist that Poe met at a congress few months earlier, where Poe presented his dog service therapy. He remembered her to be specialized in the treatment of victims of abuse so she was interested by Poe's job, even not totally convinced by its efficiency. Poe invited her to come to the center to see how he was working but he didn't really expect her to take on the offer. He was agreeably surprised.

 

« Doctor Phasma ! » called Poe, joining her. « I wasn't expecting your visit. » he added with a smile.

« We weren't sure to come. » she answered.

« We ? » asked Poe.

 

Phasma made a sign towards the car and soon, someone else was getting out of it. A tall body extracted itself from the vehicule and Poe could see that it was a man. He was not as tall as Phasma but definitely more than Poe and Poe didn't remember the last time he felt so small, in the presence of two giants. The man was probably his age, maybe a little bit younger. He was curled up on himself, looking out of place, his head sticking down. He was refusing to look at Poe and Poe wasn't even sure that he was really aware that Poe was there.

Poe could easily guess that he was a patient of Phasma and that she brang him here to try Poe's dog therapy with him. It probably wouldn't be an easy thing. The man seemed to not be there, like out of his own body and Poe couldn't yet picture him taking interest in anything. Poe needed to talk to Phasma, to know what were his symptoms to adapt the treatment to him. And he needed also to talk to him, to determine if he was ready to invest himself in the demanding therapy Poe proposed.

The man was still refusing to look at something else than his own feet, his hands nervously playing with the sleeves of his black sweater which was hanging loosely on his shoulders. Poe knew he needed to be patient and careful and to gain the trust of this man to really help him. It wasn't really different than to gain the trust of puppies. He just needed to be honest and calm.

 

« Hello ! I'm Poe Dameron. » he said, offering his hand to the man.

 

He saw the other man looking at his hand, his eyes hidden behind long black hair, but not taking it. Alright ! So he didn't like physical contact. It could become tricky with a dog. They would need to work on that at first. After long seconds in an awkward silence, Poe took of his hand. That was when the man seemed to wake up and his hand tried to grab Poe's hand before stopping itself, like he got burned. Poe couldn't still see the face of the other man but he saw his fingers shaking, still hanging in the air. Poe smiled faintly, content to see that he managed to establish a first contact. Poe moved back his hand forward, letting to the other man the choice to make the last few centimeters separating them.

Poe waited patiently and he could feel Phasma looking at their exchange with intense eyes. He saw the young man throwing a look at his therapist before looking back at Poe's hand. Then, with hesitation, he buried his bigger hand in Poe's small hand and Poe shook it without gripping it too much, letting him the possibility to step back anytime he wanted.

 

« Ben. » answered the other man in a barely audible deep voice, taking back his hand.

« Nice to meet you Ben. » smiled Poe.

 

The young man nodded without looking at Poe, his fingers twitching, still trying to get use to the sensation of contact, one arm protectively across his chest to grab his other arm. Poe tried to not look too deeply at him, realizing that it would make Ben uncomfortable, but he was curious about him. Poe has always been to curious, wanting to know about people, especially people in pain to be able to help them. But since he began this work, Poe learnt that he shouldn't be insistent. He needed the patients to be the one talking to him, from their own initiative. So he finally took his eyes off of Ben and looked back at Phasma.

 

« Can I offer you a coffee ? » he asked.

« Sure. » answered Phasma and Poe took the lead.

 

After few steps, they realized that Ben wasn't following them, his eyes looking at the dogs in the enclosure. Poe took notes. The young man was obviously naturally attracted to dogs. It would help them.

 

« You can go see them. If you want. » said Poe and Ben hesitated few seconds before walking slowly towards the dogs.

 

Poe looked at him stopping front of the fence, trying to disappear to not disturb all the dogs, oblivious to his presence.

« Interesting. » whispered Phasma next to him and when he looked up at her, he could see something close to satisfaction on her serious face.

 

Few minutes later, they were both on Poe's porch, each of them sipping coffee while watching Ben. They shared a long silence, Poe not yet asking to Phasma what she expected from him.

 

« You think I can help him ? » asked Poe.

 

Phasma came to lean on the wooden beam next to Poe, sighing.

 

« I'm ready to try. » answered Phasma, looking at Poe, judging if she was right to trust him with Ben.

« Is he ? » said back Poe, feeling that Ben was a special patient for Phasma.

« What ? » asked the therapist.

« Ready to try.» answered Poe, smiling when he saw BB finally spotting the stranger looking at them.

« To be honest, I don't know. » sighed Phasma, frowning, like she was angry with herself to not be able to know what was the best for her patient.

 

Poe looked again at Ben, smiling when he saw BB showing interest in the young man, trying to catch his attention by scratching the fence. Ben was looking lost, not knowing what he should do front of so much enthusiasm, his hands buried in his sleeves. It was kinda sad to see someone so not used of such demonstration of life. BB seemed to feel safe with the boy front of him, despite his huge stature. At least, safe enough to want to play with him. If BB trusted him, Poe could trust him too.

 

« We still can give it a try. » answered Poe, smiling to Phasma.

« A try. Yes. » whispered Phasma, her eyes sticking to Ben.

 

Poe said nothing more. They stayed silent, each of them probably planning the next move to help the young man. Both of them got out of their thoughts when loud and multiple barkings could be heard. Poe instinctively turned his head towards the enclosure, seeing all the dogs shoving brutally the fence in an attempt to play with their new visitor once they spotted him. Poe saw Ben taking off quickly his hand from the fence, falling on his back, surprised by so many moves and noises.

Phasma and he put down their mugs, before running towards Ben. The young man was already up, taking big steps far away from the dogs, turning his back to them. Once they came close to him, Poe calmed down the dogs at the best he could while Phasma was talking to Ben, carefully not touching him.

When Poe finally managed to calm his pack of dogs and to distract them with toys, he looked back at Ben. The man was avoiding to look around him, his eyes focusing on his feet. Poe could see him fidgeting on his feet, clearly nervous.

 

« I'm sorry. » said Poe but was baldly cut by Ben leaving, walking quickly to Phasma's car.

 

Poe felt a little bit stunned, slightly deconcerted by this sudden change of behavior from his new acquaintance. Phasma offered to him a slight smile, probably to try to excuse her patient and Poe accompanied her back to her car. When she unlocked it, Ben opened the door as fast as possible, ready to climb back into.

 

« I hope to see you again. » said Poe, making the other man freezing for few seconds before disappearing into the car.

 

Poe shared a last look with Phasma before she got back in the car and drove away from Poe's center. Poe sighed. He wanted to believe but this man, Ben, it looked like he wasn't ready to face change, to accept to heal. Poe couldn't do anything to help him currently. The man was too unstable, barely knowing what to do with himself to be trusted with the care of a young dog. No matter how much Poe believed it could help him, the man wasn't ready.

 

* * *

 

 

Phasma was observing the man sitting in the chair across hers. When Ben Solo entered in her office three years ago, she thought it would be a case like any other. But after few weeks, she realized that it would be more complicated. Ben had a lot of issues, too many in the opinion of a lot of people, his family at first. But Phasma was ready to help him. The problem was that sometimes, she felt like Ben didn't want to be helped. He was getting better than the first time she saw him, the young man accepting different treatments. But Ben had a lot of relapses and Phasma was always trying to find the therapy which would offer to him the stability he was lacking so much.

She was getting to involved. She felt herself getting closer to Ben and it wasn't good for any of them ; not for her career and not for Ben's treatment. He needed someone objective and she was losing this, seeing him so often. That was why she met Poe Dameron and she heard about his service dog center, she saw an opportunity. First, she could put some distance between them and find again her senses to help Ben as he deserved it. Second, Ben wasn't used anymore to affection with other people but with a dog, it could be completely different. And giving responsibilities to him could do miracles for him. She wasn't convinced it could be efficient but she was ready to try. Contrary to Ben.

The young man seemed put off by this idea. When they were at the center, she felt him taking interest in something for the first time in a long time. She thought he was willing to give it a try. But then he got out of his relative comfort zone and he flew like he did everytime. Phasma was ready to drop out the subject but she could feel that Ben was still thinking about it, having strong feelings about it. That was why she was waiting patiently for him to talk. When he was still not talking after almost five minutes of silence, she decided to take the lead.

 

« Did you think about our visit to the dog center ? » she asked.

« Thinking about what ? » he asked back, a little bit rude but Phasma was used to Ben's temper now. She knew it was a defensive technique and she knew that he was doing everything to provoke a similar response in her, feeling easier to deal with anger.

« Do you think it could be good for you ? » she added, keeping a quiet voice, knowing it will annoy Ben but also obligate him to stay quiet too.

« How a dog could heal me ? » snarked Ben, his whole body tensed in a defensive position.

« This kind of therapy made its proofs and- »

« IF YOU DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE YOU COULD SAY IT !! » shouted Ben, standing up violently and walking towards the window, obviously refusing to look at her. « I'm used to people giving up on me. » he added, bitterly. «  I can take it. » sighed Ben, crossing his arms protectively around himself.

 

Phasma didn't sigh even if she felt like it. It was the primary issue of Ben, this conviction that he wasn't enough, that people would always leave him. They were working on it but Phasma doubt Ben would be able to truly get over it one day. She took her time to talk again, letting to Ben moments to calm down.

 

« Ben ! I'm not giving up on you. » she said and she could see that Ben was listening to her but not yet leaving his defensive stance. « But we're stagnating. »

 

She let to Ben the time to assimilate a truth both of them were aware of but refusing to admit. After few more minutes of silence, Ben left the window and came back front of Phasma before to collapse in the chair. He buried himself deeper in the chair, another way to protect himself from the real world but Phasma could see that the anger disappeared in favor of exhaustion.

 

« I'm sorry. » mumbled her patient, playing with the hem of his sleeves.

« Ben ! Look at me please. » answered Phasma.

 

It looked like she asked him a surhuman effort but he finally looked at her and she could see all his doubts in his eyes, all the things he was unable to put in words or didn't want her to know.

 

« You have the right to heal Ben ! » said Phasma, her voice not faltering. Ben needed to believe it. He needed to realize that people believed it.

« I don't know. » answered Ben, in a flat tone.

« I'm not asking you to take a decision now. But I think that the therapy Mr Dameron proposes could be a good thing for you. »

 

The young man didn't answer to her but she knew that he was already thinking about it. He could sound defeat often, he didn't yet give up the hope to get better, even if he was close to it sometimes.

 

« Could you think about it ? » she asked.

« I could. » grumbled Ben.

« Would you think about it ? » asked back Phasma, a small smile on her lips.

 

Ben looked at her with piercing eyes before nodding, a little wince of annoyance crossing his face since she managed to bring him exactly where she wanted him to be. Phasma felt more relieved than proud of herself.

 

* * *

 

 

It was the feeling of a wet tongue on his face which woke up Poe. The young man grumbled, trying to send back BB to his own bed but the little bastard was stubborn, especially when he had a goal in mind. It took few minutes for Poe to feel the strength to open his eyes and he blinked hard, trying to adjust his view to the darkness surrounding him, except for the TV still on in the corner of the living room. With a yawn, Poe sat while BB while scratching his legs.

 

« What happens buddy ? » asked Poe, petting his dog on the head.

 

The little Jack russell ran to the door, scratching against it, asking to go outside. Poe looked at the clock. 5 a.m. What was happening ? BB was always an heavy sleeper until at last 7 am. Something was disturbing him and Poe felt worry instantly. He grabbed his old bat in the corner of the couch and went to the door, ready to face any danger thrown to him or his dogs.

Poe opened the door and walked on the porch, scanning the horizon. The moon was full this night so he couldn't miss the silhouette in a hoodie, frozen at few meters of the fence. Poe didn't have the time to call out this person because BB ran to them and Poe didn't have another choice than to follow him, fearing for his little buddy.

When he came closer to the dark silhouette, Poe grabbed tighter his bat even if, seeing BB circling the other person's legs with its tail swinging happily from left to right, was comforting Poe.

 

« Who are you ? » asked Poe, pointing his flashlight in the face of the stranger.

 

They took off their hoodie and Poe recognized after few seconds the face of Phasma's patient. The man was looking at him with discomfort but also much more honesty than Poe remembered about him. Poe took down his bat, not wanting to scare him.

 

« Ben ? That's right ? » asked Poe.

The young man nodded before looking down at BB, still asking for the newcomer's attention. Poe could see a faint smile on Ben's lips and he felt himself smiling, feeling more at ease since he finally saw a human emotion on this face.

 

« BB ! Come here ! » called back Poe and his dog obeyed, coming back to his feet. « Sorry about this little guy. » smiled Poe. « He is always looking for a new playmate. »

« That's okay. » whispered Ben, looking down after he realized that Poe was looking at him.

 

Poe felt relaxed. The man before him wasn't at all aggressive. His dogs and he weren't in immediate danger. And it was also good to see the man being alive and not this strange tall man, with ghostly eyes that he met two weeks ago.

 

« What are you doing here ? » asked Poe.

 

It looked like the man was finally realizing where he was and he looked instantly lost. Poe took in his appearance. The man was in an hoodie and sweatpants, looking like he just got out of bed and Poe realized that it was maybe true. And he also realized how chilly the air was.

 

« It's cold there. You will freeze. Want to come inside ? » asked Poe, taking care to let the choice to Ben.

 

The young man looked around him and his eyes rest a long time on the exit, probably debating with himself if he was ready to follow a stranger. After a minute, Ben nodded and Poe lead him towards his home, BB walking side by side with Ben.

When they finally arrived to Poe's home, he felt Ben stopping front of the door, hesitating to come inside. Poe looked at him, confused.

 

« Everything is alright ? » asked Poe, his question provoking a self-depreciating smile on Ben's lips and Poe didn't like it.

« I rather stay outside. » answered Ben, swallowing hard.

« Hum, alright. We...we can stay outside. » told back Poe. « Just wait a minute. »

 

Poe got back into his living room, grabbing the blankets on his couch before going outside again. He gave a blanket to Ben and the poor man looked completely lost to what to do with it. He finally imitated Poe when this one threw the blanket on his shoulders. Poe turned on the light of his porch and also the electric brazier to try to create a little bit more warmth. Poe sat down in one of the chairs and after few seconds of hesitation, not knowing what to do of his own body, Ben took the chair facing Poe. BB jumped and layed down on Poe's lap before going back to sleep.

 

« I'm a patient of Phasma. » blurted out Ben after few minutes of an awkward silence.

« Alright. » nodded Poe.

« You already knew, right ? » asked Ben, the depreciative smirk back on his lips.

« I have my suspicions. » answered Poe, smiling, amused.

« Why did you tell anything ? » asked Ben, and Poe could see that he began to relax in his presence.

« It wasn't to me to say something. » answered Poe. « To be honest with you, I wasn't expecting to see you again. » he added.

« To be honest with you, I wasn't expecting it too. » breathed out Ben, finally looking at Poe straight in his eyes.

 

It was the first time that Poe could see him properly, not hiding behind his hair. The man had light brown eyes and Poe found them instantly fascinating. There were so many emotions fighting in it. It was like before a storm, when the sky wasn't yet able to choose between the peace of a sunny day and the full rage of a rainy day. It was full of conflict, like the man itself.

 

« So why are you here ? » asked Poe, taking care to talk with a neutral voice, not wanting for Ben to flee. For the man to show up, even when he decided he wouldn't, was a big step and maybe it meant that he was more ready than Poe thought.

« I don't really know. » whispered Ben. « I was trying to sleep but I couldn't stop to think about you. » he added, blushing hard.

 

Poe tried to not blush back because he knew that Ben didn't mean Poe personally but it was a long time since he was single and Ben was an attractive man so yes, his mind played little shit with him. Poe regained his composure quickly and he offered a little smile to Ben to show him that he didn't have to feel ashamed.

 

« So you decided to come here ? It could have wait in the morning you know. » chuckled Poe.

« I'm sorry. » grumbled Ben, shrieking in his chair. « I just went out running and it lead me there without I realized it. »

« You ran there ? » asked a surprised Poe.

« Yeah. I know it's the middle of the night but that's the only thing I can do to exhaust myself and find sleep. » rambled Ben but Poe cut him off.

« No no no ! I mean, there is nothing around there. » said Poe. « You must have run...ten miles, at least. » added Poe.

 

Ben looked a little bit lost, like he finally realized his own state. The man seemed exhausted but Poe had thought it was because they were in the middle of the night and not because he ran from the closest city to Poe's center. He could see Ben's black hair sticking to his forehead with sweat and Poe feared to see him beginning to shiver soon.

 

« Do you want something to drink ? Coffee ? » asked Poe, chastening himself to not have do it before. Ben shook his head, looking down, like he didn't want to bother him. « Water ? » added Poe and the little pause Ben did was enough for Poe to understand the affirmative answer.

 

Poe got up, disturbing BB's sleep who grumbled to be awaken, before going inside to grab a glass of water for his guest. When he came back, BB was sleeping in Ben's lap and the young man was petting him. Poe offered him the glass and the man took it, nodding to thank him.

 

« I can take him back if you want. » said Poe, pointing at BB. Ben stopped his caress in BB's fur and the little dog whined a little bit.

« I can keep it. ...If it's...okay with you. » whispered Ben.

« That's okay with me. » chuckled Poe. « This little guy can be greedy. » he added and soon, he could hear Ben chuckling.

 

Poe was delighted. Ben was so different from the first time he met him. Poe felt proud. Nothing was more efficient than a dog to bring people out of their shell. It looked like BB succeeded again. The man was a pleasant company when he was in confidence. Poe hoped he would be convinced to let him help him. The way that Ben was petting BB, with care and a strange feel of wonder was enough to tell to Poe that he would be great with a dog. Especially with a service dog. He could give him as much affection as he needed himself.

 

« Can I ask you something ? » whispered Ben, focusing his eyes on BB and avoiding Poe's glance.

« Sure ! » answered Poe.

« How...how do you...how did you decide to do his job ? » asked Ben, looking at Poe behind his hair.

 

Poe felt surprised. From all the people he met with his job, nobody asked him the reason behind his choice of career. It was interesting that Ben felt the need to know. Maybe it was because he needed it to trust Poe. Or maybe it was because he was ready to do everything to put away the focus from him. But Poe liked that Ben was taking the time to know him. It was new. It was good.

 

« My mother died when I was young. » told Poe, his voice shaking.

 

It was a long time ago and Poe did his mourn but he was missing her, everyday like it was the first. She was still missing too much in his life. He always wondered if she would have been proud of him, of what he was doing with his life, with his dogs, trying to help the great majority, like she taught him to do.

 

« You miss her. » said Ben and Poe looked at him, seeing so much understanding in these brown eyes that it was difficult to swallow down his tears.

« I do. » whispered Poe, whipping off his eyes.

« I'm sorry. » breathed out Ben. «  I shouldn't have asked. »

« No ! » exclaimed Poe. « It's hard but I like talking about her. » smiled faintly Poe. « It has been too long. »

« Was she the one motivating your career ? » asked Ben and Poe could see that he was really involved in the conversation, and not just to be polite.

« Kind of. » smiled Poe, letting himself bathing in the love he had for his mother. « When she died, my...my father didn't...didn't take it well, of course. » added Poe.

 

It was the first time he opened up about this time of his life with someone else. Even Finn didn't know what his father lived after his mother's death. It was personal and Poe never thought it would be his story to tell but he got the feeling that...that Ben could understand. Better than anybody else actually.

 

« He...he had a depression ? » asked Ben, trying to burying his nose in his sweater.

« Yes. » whispered Poe.

 

All these years, seeing his father getting worse, going deeper in his sadness, Poe didn't understand. He didn't understand why he wasn't enough. It took him years to understand. And to realize that he didn't want anybody else to live that. To live what his father lived but also what Poe himself lived.

 

« For my tenth birthday, he bought me a dog. So I wouldn't feel alone anymore. » continued Poe, trying to not think too much about this time of his life. He wasn't ashamed of it but years later, it still hurt.

« What was its name ? » asked Ben, clearly thrilled by Poe's anecdote.

« Bey. Like my mother's name. » smiled Poe. « It was a female German Sheperd. She was always drooling when she was drinking and it made my dad absolutely mad. » laughed Poe.

« Was it a service dog ? » asked Ben.

« No. It wasn't really common at this time. » said Poe. » But Bey was really protective. It was supposed to be my dog but Dad fell in love with her and she fell in love with Dad. »

« She helped him. » said Ben, finally understanding what Poe was trying to explain.

« Yeah. At this moment, I understood that dogs were a miracle for people in need. So I made some researches and here I am. » grinned Poe.

 

Ben smiled shyly and Poe found it really sweet. Smiles were suiting him. It made his face looking younger, more at peace, almost happy. Poe felt surprised to how Ben's well-being was already important for him. There was something in him, something which were making born protectiveness in Poe. He wanted to help him. Now, more than ever, he was convinced that Ben could get better with the right dog.

 

« Did...did he heal ? » asked Ben. « Your father. » he added after Poe looked at him, confused.

« Yes. » whispered Poe. « It took some time but, but he is good now. » smiled Poe.

 

Ben let out a shaky breath, looking in the void, a little bit stunned, like he was trying to take all the measure of Poe's revelation. The man was apparently disturbed by Poe's answer. It made Poe sad. It was kinda awful to see that Ben was so convinced that he would have to deal with his unstability all his life without any hope to get better. Nobody deserved to feel like that, to feel like the future wouldn't be bright, that it was just a matter of surviving and not living fully. Poe wanted to make him realize that life had more opportunities for him, that life could be great.

 

« Do you want to heal, Ben ? » asked Poe.

« I...I don't know. » whispered Ben, biting hard his lower lip and Poe could see tears in his eyes. « I'm...I'm used to disappoint everybody. » he added. « Sometimes, it's easier to...to do nothing. » he breathed out, cuddling BB closer to his chest.

 

Poe noticed that Ben was looking for comfort in BB's presence and it was obviously working because soon, his chest finding back a normal pace.

 

« Nobody will judge you here. I hope you will want to try but if you don't, that's okay with me. » said Poe, looking straight into Ben's eyes. And the man seemed to be amazed by Poe since he looked at him with big eyes. « But I think that I can help you. »

« You sound so sure. » answered Ben, in disbelief.

« One of us has to be. » smiled Poe with all his kindness. « You can't trust me yet and I understand. » added Poe. « But I think you can trust this little guy. And I think he likes me. » smiled Poe, pointing to BB.

« Yeah. » whispered Ben. « He does. »

 

Both men kept silence after that, Poe letting to Ben the time to think about everything and especially Poe's proposal. Poe was feeling sleepy but he had to admit that it was good to not be alone. Even if they weren't talking, it wasn't awkward, both of them sharing the quietness of the dawn.

When the sky became clearer, Ben stood up, BB buried in his arms. Poe followed his lead.

 

« I should go back. » whispered Ben.

« Oh ! Hum, sure. » said Poe. « Do you want me to give you a ride to your home ? » asked Poe, feeling kinda sad to have this peaceful moment coming to its end.

« No. I'm just gonna run back. » smiled nervously Ben.

« You sure ? » asked Poe. « It's not a problem. »

« I...I need time. Alone. » confessed Ben.

« Alright. » whispered Poe.

 

Ben walked to Poe and gave BB back to him. Once he was safely in Poe's arms, still asleep, Ben smiled down to the dog and he scratched his belly, BB moaning for answer. Ben chuckled and when he looked up, he could see Poe looking at him with a sweet smile. He nodded shyly before stepping back. Ben put back his hood, nodding to say goodbye to Poe.

 

« Will you come back ? » asked Poe, in hurry. In some way, he didn't want Ben to leave yet. At least not without the reassurance that they would see each other again.

« I, I will try. » smiled shyly Ben, shifting on his own feet.

« Thank you. » answered Poe and Ben seemed surprised, like he didn't hear these words for a long time.

Ben nodded again and Poe smiled, realizing that it was something the man was doing when he was nervous. Ben would need time before being totally relax in Poe's presence but he felt like they did a lot of progress this night. He could only hope that he gave enough reasons for Ben to come back. After a last shared look, Ben turned his back to Poe and began to run towards the exit.

That was when BB woke up. Poe looked down at his buddy and he saw that the little dog was confused to see Poe's face above him. And even maybe a little bit upset. Poe chuckled. It looked like BB already adopted the other man. Following the noise of Ben's steps on the ground, BB looked at the tall silhouette getting away from Poe's center and he whined.

 

« You already miss him ? » smiled Poe, scratching BB's chin. The little dog licked Poe's hand and Poe cuddled him closer to his chest. « Yeah. I think I do too. » added Poe, burying his nose in BB's fur.

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up in a jolt, sweat making the sheets sticking to his body. Ben took long minutes to take in his surroundings and realizing he was in his bed, in his flat, safe. The young man tried to find his breath again, posing an hand on his chest and counting the time between each breath.

 

1...2...

 

He felt hot tears burning his eyes and he tried hard to fight them. It was over. He was over that. He was stronger than that. He got free. He was free. He was back here. In his place. Safe. He knew that. He knew it.

 

1...2...3...

 

So why ? Why did he still feel like this ? Why was he still looking at the shadows and praying for nothing to appear ? Why ? Why ?

 

1...2...

 

The tears in his eyes finally dropped down his cheeks and the sobs he was trying to swallow finally manage to break the seal of his lips. He put his arms around his knees, pressing them hard against his chest. He didn't want to breath anymore. He wanted this to stop. He wanted everything to stop.

1...

 

He shut his eyes painfully. He wanted to forget. He tried to focus on something else. Like Phasma taught him. He tried to focus on the cold air on his sweaty skin, making him shivering. He remembered this sensation. He felt it few days ago.

 

1...2...

 

When he got to see Mr Dameron's center. He was...he was safe there. With the man looking at him with kindness. With Poe not judging him. With his little dog sleeping peacefully on his lap. Trusting him without any hesitation.

 

1...2...

 

He focused on the sensation of BB's fur in his hands. How it felt between his fingers. Feeling his belly going up and down in quiet breaths. Up and down. Up and down.

 

1...2...3...

 

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

 

1...2...3...4...

 

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

 

1...2...3...4...

 

Even before realizing it, Ben was closing more and more his eyes, letting the quiet breaths of the little Jack russell rocking him back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Poe was leaving the puppies in care of Finn, walking back to the office with BB running ahead of him. He had to admit, he was a little bit absent-minded and not fully dedicated to his daily job. Every day, before going to join the dogs and beginning his day, he checked the surroundings, hoping to see a tall silhouette in an hoodie, waiting for him. But it has been 6 days and Poe began to feel hopeless.

 

« Hello! »

 

Poe looked up, surprised to hear someone close to him. When he turned back, he saw Ben on his knees, giving strong caresses to BB who was trying to climb on his chest. The young man was smiling to Poe's dog and Poe tried to understand how he could have miss BB's excited barking or passing before Ben without seeing him. Poe joined him and Ben stood up after a last caress on BB's head.

 

« I'm sorry. » smiled sheepishly Poe.

« That's okay. You probably have a lot on your mind. » answered Ben, offering a shy smile to Poe.

« In fact, I was thinking about you. » admitted Poe and he saw the surprise appearing on Ben's face before he blushed. Poe had to confess, he was cute when he was blushing. « I began to think I wouldn't see you again. »

« Oh ! » exclaimed Ben, embarrassed, passing an hand on the back of his neck. « I'm sorry. I...I'm learning to take my time to...to take a decision. I haven't yet find the right balance.» added Ben, looking down.

« That's not a bad thing. » answered Poe, trying to catch Ben's eyes and when he succeeded, he offered him a smile. « What's mattering now is that you're here. »

 

Ben nodded with a smile and Poe laughed, feeling relieved now that his mind was at peace. Poe proposed to Ben to follow him to the office and soon, both of them were sitting in the small room. Ben didn't look comfortable and Poe was ready to propose him to get back outside but the young man cut him off.

 

« I...I have depression. » breathed out Ben. He looked up at Poe and the other man kept a neutral face, wanting to show his compassion but knew that there was an high chance that his guest would take it for pity and it would close him off. It looked like he did good since Ben decided to look straight into his eyes when he talked again, maybe a little bit of defiance showing on his face, daring Poe to judge him. « And some kind of PTSD according to Phasma. And probably anxiety. » added Ben, standing up before walking nervously across the room, avoiding again Poe's eyes.

 

Poe could feel that Ben was becoming incredibly nervous, at the edge of breaking down. In tears, panic or anger, Poe couldn't say but he knew that he should help Ben to calm down.

 

« And I have anger issues. » laughed bitterly Ben. «  Which is probably a turn-off total to my candidacy to your program. » rambled the young man.

« Ben ! Please ! Calm down ! » said Poe, not touching Ben and raising his hands to show he meant any harm.

 

Ben stopped to walk but he wasn't yet looking at Poe. Poe sat on his desk, putting a safety distance between them.

 

« What I heard is that you're already worrying about the safety of the prospective dog we could put in your care. » said Poe.

 

Ben looked up at him, stunned to hear that his symptoms weren't a barrier in Poe's opinion. The dog trainer made a sign for Ben to sit down back and the young man collapsed in the chair front of Poe, his hands between his knees, Ben playing nervously with his fingers. He sighed, nodding nervously.

 

« Phasma is giving up on me. » whispered Ben. « She tried everything and nothing worked. And now, your therapy is my last chance. » breathed out Ben and Poe could hear the tears in his voice. « But even her isn't believing in it. »

 

Poe felt horrible to realize that Ben didn't believe anymore in anybody, even his own therapist. Did Phasma was aware of this fact ? It was more than trust issues or to believe he wasn't worth the worry and the love of other people. Ben was convincing himself that he was alone, that his well-being mattered to nobody, that he was almost non-existent. It was terrifying.

 

« Everytime I seem to get better, I fall back harder. » sobbed Ben and Poe could see his eyes full of tears behind his black hair. « Even you can't help me. »

 

Poe took the seat next to Ben and came closer to him.

 

« Ben ! » whispered Poe. « I don't know what you're living and I can barely understand it. But you're not alone. Phasma is here. She hadn't given up on you. She brang you here because she believes that it can help you. » said Poe, finally able to look at Ben now that the young man was raising up his face. « That I can help you. » added Poe. « You're not alone Ben. Phasma is here. And I'm here too. »

« How can I know that you will not give up on me ? » asked Ben.

« You can't. You will have to blindly trust me. » answered honestly Poe.

« I don't do that. » shot back Ben.

« I know. » smiled sadly Poe.

 

Ben sighed again before burying his face in his hands, messing with his hair. Poe waited patiently.

 

« Do you really think that I can be able to take care of a dog ? » asked Ben.

« Yes. » answered Poe, without hesitation. « What about I explain you what the program consists of and then you can decide if you want to give it a try ? »

« I can do that. » whispered Ben and Poe smiled.

« That's all I ask for. »

 

They went outside. Poe wanted Ben to be comfortable to understand everything he would explain to him. Ben needed to know in what he was involving himself. Ben followed him obediently to the enclosure where most of the dogs were playing. Poe entered in the enclosure, being greeted by a pack of puppies running at full speed into his legs. The trainer smiled down to them, trying to split a path through them while giving them the caresses they asked for. Poe sent them back to play and he walked along the fence, Ben walking along with him on the other side.

Poe stopped when he arrived to the corner before kneeling front of the dog who was patiently sitting there, looking at the puppies playing.

 

« Hey my boy ! » smiled tenderly Poe, petting the head of the Border collie.

 

The dog was obviously happy to see Poe but in a quieter way than the puppies. Still caressing the dog's fur, Poe looked up at Ben on the other side of the fence. Ben's eyes were strictly focusing on the dog, his body unconsciously leaning forwards to see better.

 

« I present you Llewyn ! » grinned Poe. « Llewyn, I present you Ben. »

 

Llewyn came close to the fence, raising up his face towards the stranger. Ben smiled slightly before Poe stood up and came back to him, with Llewyn following him. Once they were on the right side of the fence, Poe and Ben went to sit on Poe's porch, Llewyn sitting front of Poe, making of himself a barrier between the two men.

 

« Llewyn is one of the first dogs I trained. » smiled Poe.

« Why do you still have him ? » asked Ben, confused.

« Llewyn was a good boy, his handler unfortunately not. » sighed Poe. « I made a mistake. I let him going home with Llewyn too soon and the man took his anger on Llewyn. » groaned Poe, still furious after all these years.

 

He could see Ben closing his fits, the knuckles becoming white. When he realized that Poe noticed his reaction, he quickly opened back his hands before trying to hide them in his sweater.

 

« Don't be ashamed of your reaction. It proves to me that you care. » said Poe.

« Aren't you afraid that I would do the same ? » asked shyly Ben.

« I feel like you're not like him but to be sure, I will not let you going home with your dog before a certain amount of time. » answered Poe.

 

He didn't want to not trust Ben but he had the care of his dogs in mind before everything else. He would not make the same mistake twice. It took him months to gain back the trust of Llewyn and now he kept him next to him everytime he could.

 

« Good. » whispered back Ben and Poe felt relieved to see that he understood his reasons. « So ? » asked then Ben, focusing nervously on Poe to prove him that he was attentive.

« I will ask you to be fully involved in the training of your dog. » said Poe. « It's not a generic treatment. The dog will be trained to answer to your particular needs and symptoms and for that, you need to establish a strong bond with him. It asks time and devotion. It would take years for your dog to be fully trained. If you're thinking that you can't handle so much dedication to the training, you should tell me now or really quickly. »

« Alright. » nodded Ben.

« It's a real relationship. You have needs that your dog will be trained to answer to but the dog has needs too and you will be the center of its universe so it will need as much your love and devotion that you will need its. » added Poe, trying to make it clear that all he was saying was the heart of his program. « I will be with you at the beginning. I will help you to adapt to each other and we will train your dog specifically according to your symptoms. The dog will stay here in the first months and I will need to check your home to be sure it's adapted to your new companion. »

 

Ben looked annoyed that Poe would have to come to his home. Poe understood. It was easy to see someone entering in your privacy and judging it, especially for Ben who was refusing and at the same time fearing the judgment of others.

 

« I know it's not easy but I have to do it Ben. » said Poe, waiting for Ben to give his approval.

 

Llewyn seemed to sense the distress coming from their guest because he walked to him and rest his head on Ben's leg. The young man look at him longly, trying to make peace with the whole lot of new informations before he pet him on his head.

 

« Okay. » breathed out Ben.

« After I would have given to you the approval, you will be authorized to take your dog home and you will have to continue to train it, making it more adapted to your daily life. » said Poe and he saw that Ben felt panicked at this idea.

 

Llewyn reacted by stepping closer to Ben and moving his head under Ben's hand, asking more petting to ground him in the task and not let his mind going in full panic.

 

« I will be there for you. I will always be there for you. If you need my help for anything, I will be there. I'm not letting you down. I promise. » added Poe.

 

His words and Llewyn presence helped Ben to quiet down and after long seconds, he nodded.

 

« So. Do you feel like it's something you could do ? » asked Poe.

 

Ben swallowed hard, biting his lips before nodding again.

 

« I...I want to try. » breathed out Ben and his own answer seemed to surprise him since it was followed by a unbelieving smile.

 

Poe felt himself really happy to see that Ben was finally ready and that Poe kinda succeeded to give him hope back. Maybe it was ephemeral but for the moment, that was the only thing mattering.

 

* * *

 

 

Phasma was observing Ben sitting in the chair front of her. She could sense that something was different. Ben looked different from the last months. Phasma couldn't understand it yet, but something changed in Ben. He seemed more stable, at least more grounded in reality. He wasn't trying to avoid Phasma's glance at all costs and he wasn't fidgeting in the chair. It looked like he was enjoying the silence, more than to suffer it. It was refreshing to see.

 

« What ? » asked Ben, confused but not aggressive like he tend to be when someone was looking intensely at him.

« You look content. » smiled Phasma, amused. « It's good to see that. » she added, being pleasantly surprised when she witnessed a true little smile and not a smirk on Ben's face.

« I went back to Poe's. » admitted Ben.

« Really ? » asked Phasma. She wasn't expecting Ben to truly consider to sign up in Poe Dameron's program but he did. « I suppose it went well. »

« Why are you saying that ? » asked Ben, blushing and nervously putting back hair behind his ear.

« You called him Poe. » she explained.

« Oh ! » whispered Ben, realizing now that he told more than he wanted to.

« I'm glad you're meeting new people Ben. That's good for you. » added quickly Phasma. She didn't want Ben to feel like it was a reproach and make him reconsidering this new development.

« Thank you. » whispered shyly Ben.

« So ! » exclaimed Phasma. « You already met your dog ? » asked Phasma.

« Not yet. Poe told me we will see the dogs the next time. » answered Ben, playing with the hem of his sleeves.

 

Ben was embarrassed, probably because he hasn't realized before how Poe was now a part of his life and not used to welcome new people in his world. Phasma however noticed how Ben was, for the first time since a long time, not reluctant to talk to her. Changes were coming and Ben seemed to handle them relatively well. Maybe Poe Dameron wasn't lying when he affirmed that dogs could change life.  

 

* * *

 

When Poe recognized the car parking front of his house, he felt a smile spreading on his lips. But when only Phasma got out of the car, without Ben in her path, he felt a strange sensation in his chest. It was a day off so to see Phasma coming to see him was unusual. She joined him on his porch really quickly. Llewyn was sleeping at his feet, with BB sleeping on him and Poe enjoyed the quiet day, the perfect opportunity to move forward in his paperwork and he even managed to begin to plan Ben's next visit and beginning to work on the kind of training the dog he would choose, would need.

He greeted her and soon, they were sharing a coffee, like the first time he met Ben.

 

« Ben told me he accepted to try your method. » said Phasma, strangely tensed and Poe was confused.

 

She seemed to be really hopeful in Poe's treatment when she came here the first time. So why was she so doubtful now that he managed to convince Ben ?

 

« He did. » nodded Poe, a little bit on the defensive. « There is a problem ? »

« Are you sure ? » asked bluntly Phasma. « Ben doesn't need a new discomfiture. »

« I said to him that I was sure and I maintain assertion. » answered Poe, a little bit annoyed that Phasma judged him able to be so cruel.

He hold Phasma's gaze, knowing that she was checking his will, and he was decided to prove her that he had Ben's well-being at heart as much as she. She seemed to find what she was looking for because she leant back in her seat, taking a sip from her mug.

 

« I had to ask. » she said, not caring that Poe wasn't happy with her.

« I care about Ben as much as you. » answered Poe.

« Be careful ! » said Phasma. « Contrary to his own belief, it's easy to fall under Ben's charm. » added Phasma after she spot Poe's confused face. « But to love him like he deserves it, it's more complicated. »

« Thanks for your concern ! » answered Poe. « But I'm a big boy. »

 

Both shared an awkward silence. Poe was thinking about what Phasma told him. She knew Ben better than him so he didn't doubt that she knew what she was talking about. Poe understood quickly that Ben could be charming. Through few rare smiles and his behavior towards dogs, Poe got a little preview of the person Ben could be when he was happy. It was in fact extremely charming. But Poe was professional. His goal was to help Ben. Before anything else. What could happen between them wouldn't be planned by Poe. But he wasn't planning to restrain himself in Ben's presence. The young man needed all the honesty Poe could give him.

 

« Do you want to see what I planned for Ben ? » asked Poe, trying to break the heavy ambiance surrounding them.

« I would like it. » answered Phasma and Poe felt relieved to see that Phasma was respecting his work.

 

Both spent the next hour talking about Ben and what would be the best for his treatment. When they separated, both have the same feeling while leaving each other ; Ben was in good hands.

 

* * *

 

 

Poe was waiting on the parking lot of his center, waiting for Ben to appear. He was nervous. They agreed to today being the day Ben would meet with the dogs. Poe spent the night worrying like everytime he got to this particular part of the program. He always feared that the patient wouldn't find a dog adapted to its situation. For Ben, he was doubting more than ever. Not that he thought Ben wouldn't be good with dogs. The last times he was there proved to Poe that Ben was a natural with them. But Ben's needs were multiple and complex and they needed to find a dog able to handle so much and able to learn quickly, before Ben's will began to flatter.

He was observing BB trying to involve Llewyn in a play session and Llewyn obviously ignoring him when a motorcycle parked front of him. When the driver took off his helmet, Poe was pleasantly surprised to see Ben's face appearing. Poe joined him while the other man was taking off his gloves.

 

« I didn't know you have a motorcycle. » smiled Poe while BB was already scratching against Ben's jeans, wanting his full attention.

« It was belonging to my father. » blushed Ben. « He thinks he is too old for that now. »

 

Poe witnessed a weird tender smile on Ben's lips before he scowled himself, like ashamed to feel this at the mention of his father. Poe dared to add family issues on the list of Ben's struggles.

 

« I suppose I will have to buy a car once I would have a dog. » added Ben, petting BB's head, then Llewyn's who came greeting him after Poe gave him the permission.

« Don't worry about that now ! » laughed Poe, delighted to see that Ben was projecting himself in the future.

« Yeah. You're right. There are high chances I will fuck up everything. » mumbled Ben.

« Hey ! » exclaimed Poe, putting an hand on Ben's arm. The young man froze, his eyes glued to Poe's hand. Poe could feel him tensed under his palm. He quickly took back his hand and Ben seemed to find his breath again. « I'm sorry. I shouldn't have touch you without your permission. »

« No ! » almost shouted Ben. « I'm...I'm not used to it anymore. » breathed out Ben with a shaky voice. « I suppose I need to get re-used to it. » smiled shyly Ben.

« I'm afraid that you will not have any other choice if you want a dog. » answered Poe, a fake smile of apology on his lips. « But I was serious earlier. You're will not fuck this up. I will not let you. » said Poe.

« You underestimate my ability to be a failure. » shot back Ben, the self-depreciating smirk back on his face.

« You underestimate my ability to be successful. » answered Poe, with a cheeky wink.

 

Ben blushed but he accepted Poe's answer, not trying to debate any longer. Ben took of his leather jacket to be more comfortable and both men walked towards the enclosure, empty for the moment. It was early in the morning so nobody would disturb them. It was an important moment for Ben. Maybe the beginning of a whole new life.  

 

* * *

 

 

Poe left Ben alone with BB and Llewyn to go freeing the puppies who could become Ben's dog. The young man felt nervous. All this feeling to be ready disappeared last night and he almost didn't manage to sleep, being sure that Poe was wrong and no dog would want him. He was too wrecked and dogs were clever. They would sense that something is wrong in Ben and they would flee far away from him. Now, he was just waiting for the rejection and for Poe to tell him that he could do nothing for him and then walking out of his life. Ben felt sad at this idea. He kind of became used to see Poe almost every week. Yes it was going too fast but the other man was naturally attracting people, especially people fucked up like Ben, in so much need of compassion and kindness like Poe showed to him.

He got out of his unpleasant thoughts when Llewyn leaned into his side. Ben looked at the dog, offering him a sad smile before petting him. Which attracted BB to give comfort to Ben, even if the little dog didn't know why. So soon, Ben had his two hands occupied to give caresses to Poe's dogs.

 

« Hey buddy ! » whispered Ben, scratching BB's belly and the little dog rolled on his back, asking for more. « Do you think your friends will like me ? » he asked and BB answered with energetic barking. « I hope you're right. » chuckled nervously Ben.

 

Poe appeared again, catching Ben's eyes from the door where he was standing.

 

« Are you ready ? » asked Poe, a huge grin on his lips.

 

Ben swallowed nervously before nodding, breathing in hard, trying to not panic. He was safe. Poe was there. If anything went wrong, Poe was there to deal with it. Poe shared an amused look before opening the door.

Ben froze when he witnessed the full pack of puppies running full speed towards him. They were so tiny, like little balls of pure energy charging him and Ben's brains decided to shut down at the right moment, letting him unable to react. Soon, the first wave of puppies was on him, pushing him flat on the ground, climbing on his chest and tiny tongues licking his face.

Ben tried to stay still. He didn't want to scare them but so much move and noise were getting on his nerves quickly. They were cute but Ben couldn't handle very well so much, so much life around him. Poe seemed to see his discomfort because he was soon above him, soothing them away with toys and treats. Ben could breathe again and Poe smiled to him.

 

« You handled the first test well. » he laughed, offering his hand to Ben who took it to sit up straight.

« I reacted like shit. » grumbled Ben, his shoulders sinking in defeat.

« Try to focus on what you managed to do and not what you failed to do. » answered Poe, sitting next to Ben.

« I froze. »

« Yes, you did. Because you didn't know how to react. But you rather did nothing than to do something harmful to them. » said Poe. « You put their well-being before yours. »

 

Ben looked at him, obviously trying to think of the event from Poe's point of view. It was something new for him, to consider his own actions in a positive way, or at least, in a non-negative way. After a minute, Ben looked up and smiled shyly to Poe who answered with a huge grin. He needed to determine if Ben was enough open-minded to accept to learn even the more basic things. It looked like it was a yes.

Then Ben's eyes got attracted by something standing before them. Poe followed his gaze and he was surprised to see that one of the puppies stayed there, looking at Ben with curious eyes. The young man was looking back at it and when he tilted his head to the left, the young puppy did the same, bringing a smile on Ben and Poe's lips.

The young golden retriever was looking at Ben like he was the most wonderful thing in the world and Ben was looking at the little puppy the same way. A huge grin spread Poe’s lips. It was his favourite moment ; seeing the handler and his dog falling in love with each other. Poe was now totally not existing in Ben's eyes. He felt Llewyn and BB coming around him and Poe took them in his arms, witnessing this special moment, remembering him when it happened to him. Ben's life was now changing, for sure.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben knelt front of the little puppy , his breath being stuck in his own throat. Hesitantly, he offered his palm to the little dog, praying for it to accept him. The dog was beautiful with its black fur and its big brown eyes and its little pink tongue appearing between its teeth. It was the cutest thing he has seen in all his life.

The little dog took a tentative step towards him, sniffing Ben's hand from every angle. Ben turned slowly his hand, petting carefully its head and the little dog licked his fingers before chewing on them and Ben laughed, even more when Ben tried to take back his fingers and the dog put its paw on Ben's arm to make him staying there.

Poe looked at them with pure adoration. They were totally blind to him and it was wonderful. It was the first time that Poe heard Ben's full laugh and it was a very pleasant sound, one he hoped to be able to listen to more often.

 

« He is beautiful. » whispered Ben, amazed and not taking off his eyes from the little puppy.

« Actually, it's a she. » chuckled Poe.

« She is beautiful. » answered right back Ben and Poe laughed.

« Yes, she is. »

 

Poe sat cross-legged next to Ben and tried to have the puppy's attention. With some difficulties, he finally managed to make him looking at him. Poe pet her head.

 

« Her name is Kylo. » smiled Poe.

« Hello Kylo ! » whispered Ben, burying his fingers in her silky fur. « I'm Ben. »

 

Kylo looked at Ben long before barking, excited, like to show her approval. Soon, she was in Ben's lap, her two tiny front paws on Ben's chest and licking his chin, still a little bit insecure of her equilibrium.

Ben was totally enamoured with the little dog, caressing her non-stop, grinning like a fool when she was doing something cute, so at least at every two seconds. Poe never saw Ben looking so happy, so alive and he almost forgot how sluggish he was when he first met him. It was really moving to see him like that.

 

« How it feels ? » asked Poe.

« It feels good. » whispered Ben, like afraid to break the moment if he talked too loud.

 

And for the first time, Ben gave a full smile to Poe. And it was in moments like that Poe remembered how much he loved his job.  

 

* * *

 

 

Ben was standing front of his parent's house, trying to find the force to go inside. He managed to avoid this dinner for the last two months. But now, he wanted to try. It was just few days since Kylo entered in his life but Ben wanted to prove to them, and to himself, that he was able to change, that he was able to act like a reasonable adult, someone able to keep his control. It was a test he was imposing to himself.

Maybe it was too much, too soon. Probably. But Ben always got this all-or-nothing behavior. He feared to fail. He knew himself. He knew there were high chances for him to fail, his family always pushing the wrong buttons in him. And he knew what he would think if he failed. He would cut himself from everything, everyone good happening to him in the last weeks.

And maybe he was still too much angry with them. Maybe he wanted to prove them that he could have a decent life nonetheless they were thinking about him. He would prove to his mother that he could be someone. He would prove to his uncle that he wasn't a child anymore. He would prove to his father that...that he could be good. He wanted to prove them everything he needed to prove to himself.

 

* * *

 

 

To say that the atmosphere was awkward was an euphemism in Ben's opinion. He couldn't decide what was the most ridiculous. His mother doing like everything was right, like if it was usual for Ben to assist to their sunday dinners ? His uncle trying to make a point by staring intensely to Ben, waiting for him to burst in anger like he was used to ? Or his dad, clearly wanting to be somewhere else ?

At least his father wasn't treating him like he was a child. Han never had great expectations for him. He never wanted Ben to live up to the Skywalker legacy like Luke did. He never asked Ben to be someone else like his mother tried to fix him so he wouldn't make her ashamed. Ben always felt closer to his father because all of these. But his father was also the one hurting him the most, because Ben couldn't understand what he was expecting from him.

Since he came home, after...after all this mess he brang in their lives, his mother tried to make him talk about his time away and what  _ he  _ did to him. His uncle tried to make him realize how much he messed up, how many mistakes he made and how he could fix them. But his dad, he never asked him nothing, he was barely talking to him. It was like they were two strangers who had to live together and this indifference to what Ben lived, to act like Ben coming home didn't matter was hurting him more than he admitted to anybody, Phasma included.

 

« Benjamin ! » called his mother.

 

Ben shut hard his eyes, his hands gripping hard on his chair's handles. He could feel sweat in his neck.

 

_ Benjamin. He was always calling him like that. Never Ben. Always Benjamin. Always accompanied with a tender move, sometimes followed by a slap or a mockering laugh. Nothing, nobody could stop him to grab Ben's throat and to tighten until he didn't felt air passing through it. It was so funny for him. To know that he had him at his mercy, absolutely powerless, reduced to accept his fate. Benjamin. Sweet and docile Benjamin. Too easy to break. _

 

« Benjamin ! »

« Don't call me that ! » groaned Ben, trying to focus on Kylo's breaths when he carried her in his arms. But the only thing he could feel was a ghostly hand on his neck, pressing harder, trying to choke him.

It wasn't real. He wasn't there. Ben was safe. He was in his parents' home. Where he spent all his childhood. His father was facing him. He could smell his mother's perfume. He wasn't alone. He was safe.

 

« Benjamin ! » snapped Luke. Sounding too much like him.

 

He wasn't there. Ben was free. He couldn't cause him harm anymore. Ben was free. He wasn't there. He wasn't there. He wasn't there. It wasn't his voice calling him. It wasn't him calling him by this name he hated so much. Benjamin. Benjamin. Benjamin wasn't existing anymore. Ben killed him. He killed him.

 

« Benjamin ! » called again his mother.

« BEN !! I'M BEN !!» screamed Ben, standing up brutally, toppling the table with his two hands, making the dishes crashing on the floor.

An awful silence took place after his burst of pure rage. He didn't looked up, he already knew what he would see. The shocked face of his mother, her eyes full of tears. His uncle ready to lash him off. And his father, disappointed. Because that was he was doing the best, disappointing the people he loved. Making them realizing he was a monster, not deserving their love and time. He always ended by disappoint them. First his family, then  _ he,  _ the next ones being probably Phasma, Poe and Kylo.

Dear God ! Kylo. He failed. He failed his own test. Kylo would never be safe with him, no matter what Poe was affirming. What if Ben got angry and lashing his anger on whatever object, he would hurt Kylo in the process ? This little girl was better without him. It was probably better to realize now than later, when he would love her too much to not be selfish.

But it was already too late. He was already, totally, irredeemably in love with her. She wasn't even there but just to think about her, it was enough. Enough to make him finding back his breath, to make him see clearer, to freeze his boiling blood. It was enough to calm him. She was enough. She was all Ben needed. He needed her. More than anything else. 

 

* * *

 

 

When he heard the dogs barking in the enclosure, Poe went outside, wanting to know what was exciting them like a quiet afternoon. When he saw someone trying to climb a fence, Poe grabbed his bat, running towards the intruder at full speed.

 

« Get down ! » claimed Poe, rising up his voice and the same time than his bat.

 

The man obeyed and but he didn't face Poe once he was his two feet on the ground. His fingers were still clenching the fence and his whole body was shaking against it. When he heard a sob, Poe felt confused before he looked closer to the silhouette and he recognized these thick black hair and these hunched shoulders.

 

« Ben ! » exclaimed Poe, putting down his bat. « What happened ? » asked Poe, worried to see him in a such disastrous state when Ben finally turned around to face him.

 

His eyes were red and puffy and Poe could notice marks of tears on his cheeks. In few steps, Poe was close to him.

 

« Can I touch you ? » asked Poe, trying to find Ben's eyes but the man was avoiding his glance and Poe felt sad to see that Ben regressed to this state of their relationship.

 

Ben nodded after some hesitation and Poe put his hands on Ben's arms, trying to ground him into reality.

 

« That's okay. » whispered Poe, his thumbs caressing Ben's biceps through his sweater. He repeated it until Ben stopped to try to escape, synchronizing his breathing on Poe's.

« I need to see her, Poe. » whispered Ben. « Please ! » he added, his eyes full of tears finally looking back at Poe.

« Alright. I'm bringing you to her. » answered Poe, taking Ben's wrist before opening the enclosure.

 

With one hand, Poe ordered to the dogs to stay where they were and they all obeyed to him, except for Kylo who ran to them as soon as she recognized Ben's tall silhouette. Ben tried to whip off the tears from his face before to kneel front of her.

 

« Don't try to hide your pain. » whispered Poe. « Let her comfort you. »

 

Ben shut his eyes, nodding and Poe could see tears falling from his lashes. It was making his heart arching to see Ben so lost. Kylo was obviously worrying for her new friend since she was nudging her head under Ben's hands. But yet, Ben was hesitating to take her against him. Poe frowned. Why Ben was refusing the contact ? Poe knew he wasn't regretting his choice. Ben coming here to see her being the first thing he did when he was in trouble was enough eloquent for Poe. The trainer saw the sadness filling Kylo's little body so he decided to be in charge.

Poe carried Kylo in her arms before placing her in Ben's arms, not letting to him the opportunity to discuss his decision. In the next second, Ben was bringing her closer to his chest, burying his nose in her fur and the little dog cuddled against him. Poe let him time to take comfort in Kylo.

 

« What happened Ben ? » asked Poe, resting an hand on Ben's shoulder.

« I...I fucked up. » sighed Ben, trying to not cry even more at the memory of what he did. « I got angry. And I reacted badly. And the only thing I could think is that I could hurt Kylo one day. » finally cried Ben.

 

Kylo stood up on her back paws, resting her front paws on Ben's sternum before licking Ben's face. The man couldn't resist, he smiled slightly. Poe smiled too, content to see that Kylo was already instinctively protecting and comforting her handler when he needed her. Considering it was a bonding time for both of them, Poe left them.

 

* * *

 

 

Poe took time to comfort the other dogs, some of them having noticed Ben's emotional state and not understanding why they couldn't go to see him. It took him long minutes, a lot of caresses and at least, playing with three of them before he could leave the enclosure.When he finally go outside, Ben was still in the corner, petting Kylo's belly while the little dog was rolling on her back.

When he walked back to his home, Poe got surprised to see another visitor and someone he obviously didn't know. It wasn't a patient and the center was closed today. The man was looking around him, searching for something.

 

« Sorry Sir ! But the center is closed today. » said Poe once he joined him.

 

The man threw him a confused look.

 

« I'm looking for my son. » answered the man. « Hum, big guy. Dark hair and, and strong nose ? » he added, obviously worried but trying to do like he wasn't.

« His name is Ben ? » asked Poe, already pretty sure of the answer.

« Yes. » exclaimed the older man. « Ben. »

 

So it was Ben's father ? Poe looked at him more intensely. It was the first time he met Ben's family. He wouldn't have been able to say Ben and this man were father and son at first look, but now that he knew it, he could see the similarities. Ben had the strong nose and the pouty lips of his father and both of them had this roguish charm in common. And some of the same attitudes since the older man since quickly fed up with Poe's examination.

 

« He is with Kylo. » answered Poe.

« Who is Kylo ? » asked back Ben's father.

« His dog. » said Poe.

« Ben hasn't a dog. » answered the man, obviously confused.

« Now he has. »

 

So Ben's family or at least Ben's father didn't know about Kylo. Ben didn't feel the need to inform them of his therapy with Poe. It was strange. It was like something was deeply broken with Ben and his family and Poe could only now realize how hard it must have been for Ben until then, facing his depression alone, without the emotional support of his family.

The older man finally spotted his son, playing with the black puppy at the other side of the fence. He looked stunned, his eyes unable to leave the silhouette of his son. Poe walked next to him. Ben's father's face was obviously closed but his eyes were burning with a full palette of emotions. Confusion, shame, anger. Love.

 

« He didn't tell us. » whispered the man, his voice almost imperceptibly shaking.

« You don't know about his therapy ? » asked Poe, wanting to be sure.

« We knew about Phasma. » answered Ben's father. « But...but he never...talks, about it. And...I didn't know for the dog. » he sighed, looking down because of sadness or shame, Poe couldn't be sure.

« We haven't yet begin the program but Kylo and she hit off pretty well. » smiled Poe, ready to explain everything he needed him to explain.

« He looks good. » said the other man, a little bit amazed. « Better than with us. » he added, with the same self-deprecating smile than his son had.

 

Poe could almost touch the sadness in this man's voice. He was loving his son more than anything. It was palpable in his voice, his eyes, his whole behavior. But it felt also like something was separating them, as clearly as the physical fence between them.

The man turned back, ready to leave, at Poe's surprise.

 

« You don't want to wait for him ? » asked Poe.

« He is better without me. » answered the man and Poe got the feeling that it was something he said so much that he finally began to believe it.

« You want me to tell him that you came ? ». The man hesitated.

« No. Just...take care of him. » he added and only left when Poe nodded like a schoolboy.

 

Poe looked at the man until he disappeared completely. Then, he looked back at Ben, still deeply focused on Kylo. And not for the first time since he met Ben, Poe felt deep down in his bones a sadness which wasn't his.

 

* * *

 

The silence in the room was heavy and Phasma didn't dare to break it with a sigh, even if she wanted to do. She thought that Ben's new confidence in his treatment, in Poe's program would last longer than it did. But Ben was back at sukling in his corner, avoiding any contact with the outside world. Phasma didn't want Ben to be back there, like the last weeks didn't happen.

 

« Something on your mind ? » asked Phasma, already expecting Ben to dismiss her tentative.

« I did something wrong. » sighed Ben.

 

Phasma was surprised that she haven't had to press him to talk. Maybe all the progress Ben did this last week wasn't lost.

 

« What happened ? » asked Phasma.

« I came to dinner with my family. » answered Ben, biting his lower lip.

« That's a good thing. » answered Phasma, with an encouraging smile.

« Yeah. » huffed Ben. « In theory. » laughed bitterly Ben.

« What happened ? » asked again Phasma.

 

Ben sighed, his shoulders shaking but after few deeps breaths, he managed to calm himself, without Phasma's help.

 

« They called me  _ Benjamin. _ » grumbled Ben, anger clear in his voice when he said his own name.

 

Phasma understood immediately what could have happened.  _ Benjamin  _ was a massive trigger of Ben's PTSD. The young man was still trying to understand fully the abuse he suffered from this man, Snoke. It was difficult for him to accept that it wasn't his fault, that he wasn't deserving it. The man managed to take a place in Ben's life like any other person before him and he destroyed him from the inside. And since he was unable to fully get the whole picture of his own trauma, Ben didn't talk about it with his family and he refused for Phasma to talk with them. It was something he was chastened himself with. He didn't want people to know, people to pretend that they understood.

So it was normal than his family didn't know what his simple name could provoke in Ben. But the young man also asked them at multiple times to call him Ben. And than his family wasn't doing this effort was proving to Phasma that they weren't accepting what Ben lived or simply accepting who he was.

 

« How did you react ? » asked Phasma.

« Bad. Obviously. » laughed bitterly the young man. « I made a panic attack. » sighed Ben, playing with the hem of his sleeves. « And I reversed the table. »

« Alright. » said Phasma. « How did you calm yourself ? » asked Phasma, trying to focus Ben's attention on what he succeeded to do before he closed himself again.

« I...I thought about Kylo. My...my dog. » he whispered, with an amazed smile.

 

Phasma also smiled. It was great to see Ben accepting such positive emotions so easily. The young man tend to feel guilty every time he felt something good.

 

« That's really good Ben. I meant it. » said Phasma.

« Thank you. » whispered Ben.

 

So he was also accepting that he could do good sometimes. The young man's progress was becoming clearer. Phasma felt like they were walking again on the good path after a lot of months in darkness, not knowing where they were going.

 

« Why did you decide to go to this dinner ? » asked Phasma.

« I...I wanted to prove them that I was...that I could get better. » admitted reluctantly Ben. « If I managed to convince them that I was enough strong, maybe it would have proved to me that I was strong, that I could do it. » added the young man, obviously ashamed of himself.

« Ben ! » sighed Phasma and the man shrank deeper in his seat. « Can I give you an advice ? »

« That's your job, no ? » grumbled Ben but Phasma ignored him. There was no way they would be back in Ben's old way to deal with problems.

« Focus on your work with Poe and Kylo. » said Phasma and Ben reacted at these both names mention. « You have all the time to get better. » she added. « You don't have to try to fix everything at the same time. »

 

Ben looked up at her. His brown eyes were shining with tears but he wasn't crying. He nodded before offering a sheepish smile to Phasma. The woman smiled back to him. She was confident.  

 

* * *

 

 

« Are you ready ? »

« I am. » answered Ben, sitting front of Kylo. Poe was knelt at his side, ready to guide Ben in his first session with Kylo.

 

Ben still had struggles to realize that he was really doing that, really beginning to form a relationship which would last for the next years. But Kylo was worth it. The young puppy was looking at him with shining eyes, her tail hitting hard against the floor. She was impatient to begin. So was Ben. Even if nervousness was winning.

 

« Alright. » whispered Poe. « She will need to see clearly your face. » added the trainer.

« Why ? » asked Ben, curious. It was thrilling to see Poe in action.

« We need her to see your facial expressions so she will learn to recognize them and be able to have the adequate response. » explained Poe, smiling to Kylo who looked confusedly between them, trying to understand what they were saying.

« Okay. » nodded Ben before pulling up his hair with hesitation, tying them in a bun.

 

Poe could see Ben's full face for the first time, without being partially hidden behind his hair. Only now, he could remark easily the scar crossing his right eye. Poe didn't want to star at it but it kinda amazed him that he didn't notice it before. Ben looked down, hiding his profile behind his hand and only at this moment Poe got that he wasn't helping Ben.

 

« It will scare her. » grumbled Ben.

« Why would it do ? » asked Poe.

« Because it's disgusting. » groaned the other man.

« It's not. » answered Poe.

 

It really wasn't. Poe wanted to ask how he got it but Ben wasn't obviously loving this part of him and Poe staring at it like it was an abnormality didn't help. So Poe decided to keep his question for later, once both of them would know each other better. With the hope that Ben would be willing to share a part of his story with him.

Kylo barked joyfully to them and both men looked at her. The young puppy barked louder once she could see her handler's face.

 

« She is agreeing with me. » said Poe with a cheeky smile.

« And why would I agree with you ? » asked Ben and Poe could almost believe that Ben's voice was teasing.

« Because two cuties like us can't be liars. » said Poe, doing his best puppy eyes, carrying Kylo next to his face and the little dog licked his cheek. Poe laughed before nuzzing his nose in her fur.

« Yeah. » laughed slightly Ben. « You are. » he added, without really realizing it.

 

But Poe heard it and he felt his cheeks burning. He tried to hide his trouble with a cough and Ben was unaware of Poe's behavior because he was already playing with Kylo who quickly forgot Poe for her favourite human.

 

« Alright ! » said Poe, bringing back their attention on him. « You will need to be firm in your voice and your moves. She will think that everything is a play for the moment. We will teach her some things in a playful mood but she needs to know that you mean it. If you hesitate, she will be confused or willing to test your patience. » added Poe.

 

Ben was sit cross-legged, with Kylo sat on his lap and both of them were looking at Poe with the greatest attention.

 

« We will begin with easy orders. Walking in pace with you. Standing front of you when you stop. Obeying when you tell her to not move. This kind of things. » said Poe and Ben nodded. « Remember that she is young and she will need some time. Stay patient and calm with her. »

« I will try. » said Ben.

« Trying will not be enough Ben. » said firmly Poe. « You need to do everything to not scare her. It's not easy but it's essential. » added Poe, with an apologetic smile.

Ben sighed before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

 

« Alright. I can do it. » answered Ben, trying to sound convincing.

« Thank you. » smiled Poe before standing up. « Come with me girl ! » he called after Kylo, promising food to make her following him.

 

They walked to few meters of Ben and then turned towards him. He made a sign to Ben and the young man took a deep breath. He tried to concentrate, to find the good tone to make her obeying him. It was more difficult than he thought and he felt his voice stuck in his throat. He closed again his eyes, clenching his fists hard. He could do it. Poe was watching him. He couldn't fail. Not that too. It was simple. And he had all the time he needed. Ben breathed out one last time before opening his eyes, watching Poe and Kylo waiting patiently for him to be ready.

 

« Kylo ! » he called, his voice slightly shaking.

 

She looked up at Poe, but wasn't moving. Ben felt disappointment hitting hard. Then he looked at Poe and the other man was encouraging him with a sweet smile.

 

« Kylo ! » he called, more firmly.

 

She didn't hesitate and she ran to him, full of energy. Ben felt something strange in his chest. Something he didn't feel for a long time. It was strange but it didn't hurt. Poe was following Kylo, walking to Ben. Kylo was still walking between Ben's legs, asking for caress. Ben wanted to give it to her but Poe explained to him that there was a time for work and a time for petting.

 

« It's not over. » whispered Poe and Ben nodded.

« Sit. » he ordered with moving his flat hand front of him.

 

Kylo seemed a little bit lost, not knowing what to do. With a nod, Poe encouraged Ben to try again. Ben did it again. Actually two more times. But with Poe next to him, to his surprise, it didn't feel like a failure. Poe had this strange ability to put people in trust, to make them confident in themselves. It was weird because it was refreshing and at the same time, it was exhausting Ben a lot.

After the fourth tentative, Kylo sat, her tail hitting hard the floor, her little tongue pointing between her teeth. Ben looked a little bit stunned to Kylo then to Poe and the other man nodded with a huge grin, like to confirm him that they succeeded.

« Give her a treat. » smiled Poe, putting a little bit of food in his hand.

 

Ben nodded before tending his hand towards Kylo. The little dog gladly ate the treat and both men knelt front of her, petting her.

 

« Good girl. » smiled Poe.

« You're the best Ky ! » whispered Ben.

 

She barked and jumped on him, making them both laughing. She broke the order but it was a good beginning, enough to give hope to Ben. The three of them celebrated Kylo's first success and after having succeed to calm her, they repeated the exercice. And at every time Kylo earned a treat, this same weird sensation than earlier came back in his chest. When Poe put an end to their session one hour later, Ben thought he identified it. Pride. For Kylo. And for himself.  

 

* * *

 

 

Ben knew he shouldn't be there. Poe said to him that he had to rest. They spent the last two weeks, training Kylo and she was doing great, Ben couldn't be more amazed with her. And she was growing so fast. She was becoming even more beautiful every day. Ben could hardly believe that someone so good could love him. He was still fearing that one day, Kylo would realize that he wasn't worth it. When he opened to Poe about his doubts, the trainer assured him that it was impossible. Kylo was a very loving dog and Ben already had her utter love and loyalty. Ben had still struggles but he believed Poe.

The training was going well. Kylo was a fast learner and Ben felt easier to be honest with her than with anybody else in his life. They were both really serious with the training and Poe was there at every step to guide them. It was comforting to know that Poe could fix any of his mistakes. He came to the center every day for the last two weeks, except for Sundays. It was exhausting for the three of them so Poe decided to give them a resting day. Ben felt a strange sadness to not be able to see Kylo, even for one day.

Ben wanted to follow Poe's advice, he really wanted. But being alone in his flat, he didn't really realize before how it was silent. Before, he could have spent the day alone, without going outside, doing nothing. He thought this day would have been one of these days. But after having tried to work the morning, he felt himself becoming restless, not handling really his loneliness. And to know he wouldn't see Kylo until the next day didn't help him. Soon, he was lost in unpleasant thoughts, alone in a dark room, his eyes burning with tears.

He didn't want to feel like that. It has been a certain amount of time since the last time he felt like that and it was good. To be able to have his mind clearer, not bathing in this kind of anesthetic fog. To be able to plan the day ahead him, or at least, not fearing it. To feel like he could act like everybody else. Like he could be...normal.

Ben took a decision before losing this battle. He got up, prepared himself quickly and drove to Poe's center, ready to face Poe's scolding. He hoped Poe would let him see her. He feared his reaction if Poe refused. He knew that there were chances he got angry and Ben prayed for it to not happen. He didn't want to give a good reason to Poe to fire him from the program. And he didn't want Poe to see him like. The other man seemed to appreciate him and it was so long since the last time Ben managed to make a new...acquaintance.

 

« Ben ! What are you doing here ? »

 

Ben got out of his thoughts to see Poe on the other side of the fence, looking at him with concern. Ben tried to look relaxed but he was still fidgeting on his own feet and playing with his sleeves. He tried to hide these nervous signs but it wasn't that simple. He saw that Poe noticed them but the other man told nothing and Ben was silently grateful for this.

« I know that you told me to stay away but- » began Ben, trying to review in his mind all the arguments he found while driving here.

« But you missed her. » cut Poe, smiling amused.

 

Ben felt relieved when he saw Poe's smile. How could he has doubted Poe's reaction ? The man was definitely more stable than him, having his reactions more in control and not switching to both extreme in few seconds like Ben's. The young man felt a little bit jealous to see that it seemed so easy for him. Would he be able to be in that control one day in his life ?

 

« I have a training session with another patient. » said Poe.

 

Ben nodded, looking down. He should have known. Of course he wasn't the only one that Poe was helping.

 

« Don't make this face. » laughed slightly Poe. « I'm not sending you back home. » he added quickly when he saw Ben's frown. Poe winced. Maybe it was still too early to joke. « You can go see her. »

« Sorry. » mumbled Ben, blushing.

« I'm bringing you to her. » said Poe.

 

Poe and Ben walked through the enclosure because entering in the barracks.

 

« Why she isn't outside ? » asked Ben, realizing that it wasn't normal for Kylo to still be inside when all the other dogs were playing outside.

« She didn't feel well last night. » explained Poe.

 

Ben froze. He felt instantly an heavy weight on his chest. His ears were ringing and he could only hear his own blood pressure in his temples. The light was hurting his eyes. In and out. In and out. He was trying so hard to make his lungs obeying something as basic as breathing.

 

« Ben ! Look at me. »

 

Ben looked up. Poe was front of him, his hands brushing Ben's forearms and Ben grabbed his arms. Poe willingly grabbed them back and Ben felt immediately grounded.

 

« She is okay. » said firmly Poe.

« Why...why didn't you call me ? » breathed out Ben, trying to settle down the anger he could feel running in his veins.

« She just ate too much. » answered Poe. « I stayed with her all night and now, she is fine. » explained Poe, his thumbs stroking Ben's arms. « Just a little bit tired. »

 

Ben nodded and Poe waited patiently for him to find his breath again and to calm down. When he felt ready, Ben looked back at Poe . The trained smiled to him and soon, they were coming front of Kylo's box. When she saw Ben, she raised up her head. She looked so quiet, it was unexpected for Ben. He was so used to her being a little ball of energy. Poe opened the door and Ben quickly step in, kneeling next to her and stroking her fur. She put back her head on the ground and looked at him with eyes full of adoration.

 

« Hello Ky ! » whispered sweetly Ben and when she heard her nickname, she gave a little poke on Ben's hand.

« She is really fine ? » asked Ben, worried.

« She is. » answered Poe, kneeling next to them. « She just needs some rest. The night hasn't been pleasant. You can take her. »

 

Ben didn't think twice and he carried her carefully, cradling her in his arms and Kylo cuddled against his chest. Ben kissed her head and the little dog whined slightly with pleasure. Poe observed them, a small smile on his lips.

 

« Why don't you go to my porch ? » said Poe. « She will rest better with you. »

« Thank you. » answered Ben, his eyes shining with tears of relief.

« You don't have to thank me Ben. » answered Poe, stroking carefully Kylo's head. « You're not the only one loving this little girl. »

 

Ben smiled, like a proud parent and not for the first time, Poe felt awestruck front of Ben's smile. When they came outside, Poe went to join the other patient while Ben walked to Poe's home porch, taking place in one of the seats.

When Poe came back two hours later, the sight which welcomed him made his heart tingling. Ben was lying in one of the chairs, sleeping deeply with Kylo sleeping on his chest. Both of them looked peaceful. Poe walked to them as silent as he could be. A small smile took place on his lips. It was the cutest thing in the world. Poe was used to care too much. His father always told him that he got that from his mother. So Poe was proud of that. But even himself was surprised at how much this pairing was becoming precious to him, at how much he was involved in Ben's well-being.

Poe knew he should do that but his fingers lost themselves on Ben's forehead, brushing a lock of hair away from Ben's eyes, letting appearing the scar. When he felt Ben moving, Poe froze. How would he explain to Ben that he touched him without his permission ? But the young man didn't wake up. He just turned his face towards Poe and when Poe's fingers brushed against his cold skin again, a small smile took place on his lips. Maybe Poe should have taken Phasma's warning more seriously. It was professional. But at this moment, Poe couldn't care less.  

 

* * *

 

The next months passed quickly. Between the sessions training with Poe and Kylo and his therapy sessions, more classic, with Phasma, Ben began to feel really better and even more optimistic for his future. It felt still weird for Ben to rely on someone else than himself but he had to admit that Poe has been incredible with him these three last months. Ben could almost becoming used to it.

When he arrived at the center this morning, Poe was waiting for him on the parking lot, like always. What was unusual was for Kylo to wait for him at Poe's feet. Ben tried to not panic. Poe always had a good reason behind everything he did and if he was bringing a change to Ben's routine, even knowing how bad Ben could handle changes, it meant that it was for the best.

Ben joined them, maybe less enthusiastic than usually but Poe's smile comforted him slightly. He greeted Poe with a nod before petting long his sweet girl's head. It was so good to feel so welcomed, so loved, to know that he was mattering to someone.

 

« What happens ? » asked Ben and he could feel Poe's pride at how he was handling the perspective of change.

« I think Kylo and you could go outside the center today. » said Poe.

« You sure ? » breathed out Ben.

« It will be good for you to adapt to each other outside a training session. And without me. » answered Poe.

« What if I- » began Ben but Poe cut him off.

« If you fucked up ? » finished Poe and Ben nodded. « You still can call me if there is a problem. But remember. Focus on the success- »

« Not the failures. » finished Ben and Poe smiled brightly to him before giving him the leash.

« So what will you do with this good girl ? » asked Poe, happy to see that Ben was reacting well to his surprise.

« Hum...I don't know. I...I used to...to go hiking with my father. Not far away from here. » said Ben, already thinking that maybe could be good to do that with Kylo. It has been so long since he did that and he was kinda missing the feeling of being alone in nature, enjoying the spectacular landscapes after a good effort.

« I'm sure she would love that. » smiled Poe. « Right Ky ? » asked Poe, stroking Kylo's head and she barked in response.

« Alright. » answered Ben, offering a shy smile. « I suppose we can do that. » he added, looking at Kylo who was jumping on him, clearly excited to go for a walk with her handler.  

 

* * *

 

Kylo was sitting patiently at his feet, waiting for her handler to give her an order. But Ben was a little bit distracted from her for the moment. He didn't think when they left the center, Ben naturally took the direction of his parents' home.

It was still amazing him that he lived so close to Poe's center all these years. Well, that his parents lived so close to Poe's center. The few months he spent at his childhood house after he finally came back home didn't count. He wouldn't have been able to meet Poe since he spent all his time, recluse in his room, wanting to see nobody, and barely talking. It has been some of the worst months of his life, ready to let his life escaping and just waiting for everything to end.

Ben didn't want to think of the reasons which lead them here. He didn't want to think about his family. He didn't want to think about how even if they hurt him, he was still wanting them to accept him, to make a place for him in their world. He really didn't want. But he was unable to escape them. At the end, he always came back here.

He felt a pressure against his leg and when he looked down, he saw Kylo, her beautiful eyes looking at him with love, too much love. Ben wondered if one day he would become used to be the one creating this emotion in someone.

 

"I'm so lucky to have you." whispered Ben, scratching Kylo's chin and the dog beamed in affection, nuzzling her nose in Ben's palm.

"Ben!"

 

Ben recognized his father's voice even before looking at the person front of him. Too late for his desire to not be seen by his parents.

 

"Hi!" greeted awkwardly Ben, shifting on his own feet. In response to his discomfort, Kylo came sitting front of him, making of herself a barrier between both men.

 

Ben felt instantly relieved and he was still surprised at how fast she learnt to recognize Ben's reactions. Poe could really be proud of his training.

 

"What are you doing here?" grumbled his father.

 

It could seem strange to other people but hearing his father still acting like the grumpy grandpa he always has been made him feel better, like nothing had changed between them. He didn't take offence of his father's behavior. It was often how Han was showing his affection and Ben learnt to decipher Han's strange way to show his feelings, like Kylo learnt to decipher his.

 

"Poe...the man who helps me with Kylo-" began Ben, realizing that none of his parents knew about his therapy with Poe or how Kylo was now a part of his life.

"I suppose this boy is Kylo." smirked Han, pointing to the black dog at their feet.

"She." answered automatically and a little bit rudely Ben, petting Kylo's head, partially to stop her to go see Han, the dog still learning to not be too eager to welcome strangers.

"She is beautiful." said Han, a rare smile on his lips.

"Thank you." whispered Ben, blushing, not used anymore to see his father giving him so bluntly affection.

 

Both stood awkwardly. It was almost painful. Both of them have never been good with small talk but Ben always felt like he could talk about important things with his father. When he met Poe and Kylo, it didn't have crossed his mind to tell him. This simple little thing was enough to remind to Ben that they grew apart, not knowing anymore how to act around each other.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked Han and Ben remembered that he didn't give the explanation to his father.

"Poe thought that it would be good for Kylo and I to...to bond outside the center. Going for a walk. This kind of stuff." grumbled Ben. "I was thinking showing her the...the path we used to go when I-"

"When you were younger." finished Han, his voice sounding like he was choking.

 

Ben didn't want to believe it was sadness in his father's voice. After everything he made them going through, his parents probably didn't want to remember Ben's youth or anything from his past. Even the best memories weren't probably enough to overpass all the bad times.

 

"You will go like that?" asked his father, throwing a suspicious look at Ben.

"Why?" groaned the young man, crossing his arms defensively on his chest and Kylo sat closer against him.

"Follow me." grumbled Han.

 

Ben didn't want. He wanted to say no. To say that he was okay, that he didn't need him. But something in Ben, something he thought he buried deep down in him to never reborn, was awakening and aching for his father. So he followed him in his parents' garage, somewhere he never step back in since he was a child and he was observing his father working on his motorcycle, teaching mechanics to his son.

Ben waited at the door, not feeling comfortable and refusing to go deeper in the room. Kylo was looking confusedly at Han who was mumbling under his breath while searching through the shelves. He seemed to finally spot what he was looking for and tried to reach the box at the highest point. Ben could hear him bitching against the whole world and he smiled slightly against his will, his father's inventive slurs always amused him. As much as it annoyed his mother.

When he saw his father climbing on a unstable box, Ben reacted before thinking and he joined him in big steps, grabbing the box before his father lost his equilibrium and broke his neck. Han took the box from his hands, nodding to thank him before pointing an index front of Ben's face.

 

"Not a world about my age." claimed Han and Ben bit his lips to hide a smile.

 

Han was searching into the box and Ben couldn’t see what he was looking for. Finally, with a groan, he got out something out of the box and Ben recognized an old pair of shoes, special for hiking. It was to his father, he always wore them when Ben and he were hiking. The pair looked like a wreck but Ben felt suddenly his eyes burning while watching this relic from a past so far away from him but he was still count in high esteem, maybe the few rares moments of his life where he was really in peace. 

 

“You need better shoes if you don’t want your feet to kill you at the end of the day.” grumbled Han. 

 

Ben grabbed the shoes, nodding and he began to took of his own shoes while his father was still going through the garage, clearly looking for something else. Once he came back, he put a backpack and an old blue parka next to Ben. 

 

“Isn’t too much?” asked Ben, throwing a suspicious look at the parka, his father’s too. 

“It’s in altitude. You will be cold.” answered Han, looking at the shoes on Ben’s feet. “Sit down.” he added and Ben obeyed, knowing how stubborn his father could be. He always acted like he didn’t care but he could be a really mother hen when he wanted. 

 

Han grabbed Ben’s left foot and after a huff of surprise, Ben made a sign to Kylo to not move, not being in danger like she thought he was. His father was already remaking his shoelaces, tightening them harder around Ben’s ankle. The young man blushed, not sure how to react. He felt like a little child who wasn’t able to do something by himself but at the same time, it was the first time since he came back that his father showed him that he cared. After he did the same thing to Ben’s right foot, both men stood up, Kylo taking back her place front of her handler. She seemed to become impatient front of their shared awkwardness because she barked, bringing back their attention on her. The young man gave her a smile. 

 

“May I?” asked Han, looking at the dog then at his son. 

 

Ben, still an hand on Kylo’s head, looked at her before nodding, observing his father and his dog’s encounter. Han tend his palm towards Kylo, letting her the time to smell his hand like she did with Ben the first time he met her. It took her longer than with Ben, but finally, she licked Han’s hand, bringing a smile on his lips. Kylo’s tail hit hard the floor and Han scratched her behind her ear. It was a new caress for her, Ben or Poe never doing that and it looked like she enjoyed the new sensation. 

 

“She trusts me.” breathed out Han, surprised. 

“Why shouldn’t she?” asked Ben after a moment to take back the control of his emotions.    
  


Han looked at him and Ben could see the tears in his father’s blue eyes. The young man felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to see his father like that, without his legendary smirk or chatter. His father was always hiding shame or fear or emotion behind humor. His mother always tried to make him talk more about what he felt but it never worked. And Ben always felt jealous and angry about this particular talent of his father. How much he would have loved to be able to do that, to have this kind of control on his feelings. But it was impossible for him and it was something which was deepening the gap between them. His father didn’t know how to talk about what he felt and Ben felt too much. 

 

“Do...do you want to come with us?” asked Ben, insecure, but quickly before he changed his mind. 

 

He supposed it was what Phasma meant when she said to Ben to try to move forwards, to do the first step. He could see that his father was hesitating. Ben didn’t know what answer he wanted. In these few last minutes, he felt closer to his father than in the last ten years of his life and it was a sensation that wasn’t unpleasant. But was he really ready to try to fix his relationship with his father? What if it didn’t work? If the gap between them was too deep, too big? Ben thought he would rather live with the illusion that things could be fixed between them than with the certitude that there was no hope for them anymore. 

“I think it’s a time just for you and your buddy.” answered Han, chuckling when Kylo bit the tips of his fingers. 

“Alright.” said Ben, trying to not let appearing his unexpected disappointment. “I...we should go.” he added and his father nodded. 

 

Before stepping outside the garage, Ben turned around, looking at his father which was closing the box.

 

“Maybe next time?” asked Ben and he didn’t feel ashamed to sound so hopeful. 

“Sure.” answered Ben, a small smile on the corner of his lips. 

 

It brang a small smile on Ben’s lips and with that, he felt ready to go for a walk with Kylo. 

 

* * *

 

Everything was going well. And when Ben would think about it again later, he would realize that it was going maybe too well. And like every time when something good was happening in his life, Ben fucked up. 

Poe thought it would be good for Ben and Kylo to assist to one group sessions, confronting their differents experiences with other handlers and dogs socializing with other dogs in a work context. Ben wasn’t really sure about it, fearing probably the judgment or seeing that others did better than him but Poe was always right before so Ben accepted. 

Ben was obviously uncomfortable and Kylo was feeling it, maybe too much. The young dog was stressed. Ben tried to relax and when Poe looked at him with a smile, Ben felt slightly better but not having the trainer full attention was new and Ben wasn’t handling this change really well, he had to admit it. 

They all did different exercices under Poe’s lead and it was going well, even if Kylo had more difficulties to focus since Ben was distracted and she wasn’t knowing what to do to help him. Ben didn’t really know when everything got wrong or why. He just knew that he heard a man’s voice shouting abusive words and Ben’s mind was full of flashs and he didn’t have anymore the control of his body. 

The next second, he was punching the man next to him, making him falling on the ground and he could only hear the man throwing even more insults and the dogs barking around him, some of them growling and Kylo desperately trying to reach him, to ground him into reality. It was finally Poe who brang him back, pushing Ben away from the other man. 

When he looked up, he could see Poe angry like he never saw him and Ben was speechless, trying to find words but Poe, with a cold voice, ordered him leave the enclosure. Ben wanted to fight scream, to fight back but Poe killed this desire with just one look. Ben hated it. He hated that Poe was able to do that, to control Ben’s will even without a word. He didn’t want to be a slave again. He didn’t want to belong to someone else. So he left with rageful steps, not even having a look for Kylo and now, hours later, back in his flat, Ben felt like shit.

He was awful. He was a monster and Kylo deserved obviously better than him. Poe deserved to have back all the time he devoted to Ben because it was worthless. Ben bit his thumb, trying to not cry and failed miserably. He looked down, at his legs hanging in the void. It was really high and Ben wondered what would happen if he fell. Would people mourn him? Would his family finally being able to leave normally, to be free from all Ben’s problems? Would his father feel his absence or did he already forgot their moment in the garage, when everything felt almost right between them? Would he be just another closed file in Phasma’s archives? Would Kylo manage to find another handler, someone who could take care of her better than he? And Poe? Would Poe think that he made another mistake when he accepted Ben in his program? 

Ben sighed, letting the tears finally rolling on his cheeks. It felt like everything was over but yet, Ben didn’t want to believe it, he still wanted to hope. He still needed to hope. His hands were trembling and Ben clenched his fists, not wanting to see his own weakness. What mortified him the most in this story was that he showed his worst side to Poe. This part of him full of rage, this part of him not wanting to admit that he could be wrong. This part of him which could hurt because it made him feeling better. He showed to Poe this darkness inside him which just waited quietly all these months to come back and destroy everything Ben built. How Poe couldn’t hate him after that? 

 

* * *

 

It was probably his third mug of coffee at this point and Poe still felt sleepy. He couldn’t sleep at all this night, his mind analyzing the incident which happened earlier and trying to find where he made a mistake. Ben’s therapy and Kylo’s training were going so well that Poe almost forgot about Ben’s anger issues. He really thought that this group session was a good idea, that it would be good for Ben to see that he wasn’t alone feeling like that. 

He didn’t want to become angry but he was scared. Scared for the dogs and also for Ben. And he reacted badly. He should have kept his calm. He shouldn’t have been disappointed. Ben wasn’t magically healed. Of course a relapse was possible. But still, when Ben lost his calm, Poe couldn’t help but feel disappointed by him. And now Poe felt like shit because he hadn’t the right to feel like that, he hadn’t the right to judge Ben. Ben was human, a patient and not Poe’s biggest success. Somewhere on their path, Poe forgot that and now he had compromised Ben’s recovery. Ben was just human, likely to do mistakes and due to what he lived, probably more mistakes than any other person. But still, Poe hadn’t the right to want Ben to be someone else than the one he really was. 

It was monstrous to wanting to do that to someone and his parents didn’t raise him like that. How would his mother think of him if she was there? She probably would have been extremely disappointed and Poe wouldn’t blame her for that. The guilt was almost unbearable. He did wrong to Ben. And to Kylo. The little dog already forgave him when he took her in his bed to sleep last night. But Ben? Ben was probably hating himself at this moment and already deciding to give up since Poe gave up on him. 

Poe mentally slapped himself. It wasn’t him. He wasn’t someone who give up or suffer the events without trying to extract the best from it. He needed to fix his mistake. He would prove to Ben that nothing was over. Like he always said to him, they needed to focus on the successes, not the failures. It was just a small failure, not the end. Poe was decided. Once Finn would be there to not let the dogs alone, Poe would drive to Ben’s flat and present his excuses. Feeling better, Poe opened the door of his home, Llewyn, BB and Kylo in his trail. 

 

“Ben!” exclaimed Poe, surprised to see the tall man sitting in on of the chairs on his porch. 

 

When she heard the name of her handler, Kylo ran to him, almost making Poe falling when she charged in his legs. The said handler opened his arms as soon as he saw her and the dog was licking in face with excitement, Ben laughing while cuddling her against his chest. 

Poe felt hope spreading back in his own chest. If Ben was there, maybe not everything was lost. Maybe Ben decided by himself that he wanted to continue and so, it would be another proof that he was getting better. Poe didn’t want to hope too much but to see him there, it was good. 

Since Kylo was already on Ben’s lap, making him unable to move, Poe went to sit front of him, both of them not yet talking. Ben was stroking Kylo’s fur, trying to ask forgiveness for having left without saying goodbye to her yesterday. He felt relieved to see that she wasn’t angry with him. But he could feel embarrassment coming from Poe and it wasn’t something he was use to witness in the other man. Ben smirked sadly. So that was the time. When Poe finally informed him that it was over and he was fired from the program. 

 

“So that’s it?” asked Ben, his voice shaking. “You’re firing me?” he added, trying to not cry. 

 

Poe abruptly looked up at Ben, not believing what he heard. Dear God! Ben spent all the night probably worrying and chastening himself and Poe felt horrible to have put him in this situation. For the man to be here, it was a damn miracle. Poe was unable to speak. He had planned everything he would want to say to Ben to convince him to try again but Ben’s visit was really unexpected and perturbing a little bit Poe’s thinking process of apologies. 

 

“I’m sorry.” breathed out Ben, his eyes full of tears before burying his face in his hands, Kylo already trying to nose into. 

 

In the next second, Poe was kneeling front of Ben, his two hands on Ben’s knees. He didn’t want to make Ben cry.

 

“I thought I was getting better and...and I fucked up everything. Again.” sobbed the young man. 

“You will get better.” whispered Poe, taking Ben’s hand in his. “It can take time; months or even years, but you will get better.” added Poe. “And I will be there to help you.” he finished, smiling slightly when Ben looked at him, stunned. 

“I can’t ask you that.” breathed out Ben in disbelief.

“But I want.” answered Poe, tightening his embrace on Ben’s hand. “Because that’s what do.” 

“Friends?” asked Ben and Poe felt his own breaking when it sounded like it was a word almost unknown to Ben. 

“I am your friend.” answered Poe, burying Ben’s hand in his both. 

 

Ben slowly smiled to him. It was small, almost invisible but it was there and for Poe, it was the most beautiful thing he has seen in a long time. They still had a lot to talk about. Poe had excuse to do and forgiveness to ask for. He still had to convince Ben that he wasn’t the only one who made a mistake and that Poe had his part of wrong. But for now, the only thing mattering was that they accepted the friendship of each other, their relationship being officially labeled and not weirdly not knowing what they were to each other like the last months. They were friends. 

 

* * *

 

To say that he was lost would have been too gentle. Ben was feeling like an idiot, standing in the alley of a pet shop, observing the different leashes and being fucking unable to choose which one would be the best for Kylo. Their first steps in the outside world, without Poe, promised to be wonderful if he continued like this. 

Ben sighed. Since Poe told him that he could take Kylo home in few weeks, Ben felt ecstatic, and completely terrified at the same time. Poe said that the training phase had been a total success but Ben couldn’t see the same thing. For him, it had been few ups for a lot of downs. And all because of him. And now he was bloody unable to choose a basic thing like a leash. 

Ben sighed, feeling frustration filling up his veins and he tried to calm down but it wasn’t easy with all these noises and people around him. Ben was ready to give up when a strong hand was put on his shoulder. Ben turned around, ready to fight the person touching him but his wrist was hold before he could crash his fist in the face of his assailant. He blinked before recognizing Poe, looking at him a little bit stunned but not afraid. Ben blushed. 

 

“Could you...release my arm?” asked shyly Ben and Poe seemed to wake up because he blinked before obeying. 

“Sorry.” mumbled Poe before smiling to him. “You have strong reflexes. I’m impressed.” he added. 

“Don’t.” grumbled Ben. “I would rather not have them.” 

“I’m sorry.” answered Poe, losing his smile and Ben felt instantly like shit.

“No.” sighed Ben. “I am the one acting like an arsehole.” he added, brushing an exhausted hand against his own face.

“Hmmm. Maybe a little bit.” answered Poe, a teasing smile on his lips.

 

Few weeks ago, Ben would have panicked at the idea of Poe believing that. But now, since they admitted they considered the other one like a friend, his mind was beginning to recognize teasing, not taking it immediately for mockery. It was...good. Having a friend. It was good to be able to joke with someone, to laugh with him and just knowing that someone was enjoying your company, enough to want to see you again. 

And the closeness was...amazing actually. Poe was respecting Ben’s boundaries and he didn’t touch him too often but sometimes he did and Ben surprised himself when he realized that he was liking it when Poe was touching him. Ben observed that Poe was a very tactile person so to now that he was restraining himself, accepting Ben with his defaults, it was refreshing and Ben had forgotten how much a friend could be important. 

But it was actually the first time they saw each other outside the center and Ben felt a little bit embarrassed that Poe surprised him like that. The worst was that he could have hurt him and it was the last thing that Ben wanted to do. Even more now that he was close to take Kylo home. It was still a little bit difficult to differentiate Poe the trainer from Poe, his friend. 

 

“What are you doing here?” asked Ben after a minute of silence which didn’t seem to bother Poe and Ben felt grateful. It was rare to find people who were able to share a silence without things becoming awkward. 

“I came to order something.” answered Poe. “And don’t worry. Finn and his girlfriend are at the center to look after the dogs.” 

“Am I so predictable?” blushed Ben. 

“Yes.” laughed Poe. “But it’s beautiful to see how much you love your dog.” added Poe.

His dog. It felt weird. Ben never thought as Kylo as being his dog. But now, she will be soon his. She will be his dog, his partner in life, his support in struggles and darkness. This kind of responsibilities were terrifying. Ben wondered if his parents felt like that when they learnt that they had created a little creature. 

 

“And you?” asked Poe. 

“I’m trying to choose a leash for Kylo.” sighed Ben, turning to face the store department.

“Hmm.” mumbled Poe. “Important task.” 

“At which I’m shitty.” answered Ben, massaging his neck, feeling the exhaustion

putting him on edge 

“Do you need some help?” asked Poe, feeling that Ben wasn’t in the best mood. 

“Wanting to save me?” smirked Ben but he threw a grateful smile to Poe.

“I think I would be a great knight in a shining armor. Don’t you think?” teased Poe, swaggering. 

“I think you would do.” chuckled Ben, hiding in his hair to not show the blush on his cheeks, missing so the same blush on Poe’s face. 

 

* * *

 

The lips kissing all his body set him on fire. He arched his back, wanting more, needing more. His stomach was exploding in a billion of butterflies everytime he could feel the hot breath against his skin. Strong calloused hands were stroking his thighs, with adoration and Ben wanted to cry. He slid a hand in dark hair, pulling the hair of his partner. He needed to see him, he wanted to kiss him. When his partner obeyed to his implicit request and got up to face him, Ben could see a familiar smile and beautiful brown eyes.

 

"Poe!" whispered with amazement Ben, stroking his soft hair.

 

Poe didn't talk but he leant forward to give him a long kiss before going down, taking Ben's shaft in his mouth and Ben lost himself in Poe's warmth.

 

* * *

 

Ben woke up in a jolt, his dream still harassing his mind with visions of Poe and he engaged in sexual intercourse. The sweat was making the sheets stuck on Ben's body and the young man could feel himself burning with desire and need.

It was almost painful to feel again sexual desire after almost three years without experiencing it. Ben looked to see that yes, he was hard. Automatically, he felt ashamed. Poe was his friend but he couldn't stop to think about Poe's lips, Poe's hands and he wanted them so much on him.

Ben swallowed hard before looking around him nervously. He was alone, in his flat, nobody would know. With hesitation, Ben slid his hand in his pants, moaning slightly when his fingers closed around his dick. Ben breathed out, it was a sensation he almost forgot and thought he would never feel it again.

His heart was beating hard against his chest, Ben felt difficulties to breathe actually. But paired with his hand on his dick, Ben felt ecstatic. He shut down all his guilt and closed his eyes, letting his dreamy Poe taking care of him.

But even with his vigorous moves and all the devotion he imagined Poe having for him, after ten minutes, Ben hadn’t yet come and it was becoming more painful than pleasant. Ben bit his lips, trying to not let his tears rolling down. He will find his release. He needed to. How someone could want him if he was unable to have pleasure? Ben tried hard. He could hear the slam of his hand on the skin of his thighs. He was feeling the tension building in his stomach but it didn’t work. 

Ben took of his hand from his pants before grabbing his pillow and throwing it into the wall, screaming his frustration. Once the anger settled down, Ben breathed heavily, trying to have back the control on his emotions and his own body. His long breaths became soon sobs and Ben didn’t try to stop them. He was alone in his bed and it wouldn’t change. 

 

* * *

 

Phasma was observing Ben who were shifting nervously in his seat. It wasn’t unusual for him but since he began the training with Poe, Phasma saw this behavior in Ben becoming less present, the young man not trying to make himself looking smaller or trying to disappear. He was accepting to physically existing in the world. So for Ben to act like that meant that there was something bothering him. Phasma was used to waiting for him to talk but she noticed that Ben was more talkative in the last months and not necessarily feeling attacked when she asked him straight what was the problem. 

 

“Something is bothering you.” said Phasma and Ben stopped to move.

“Yes.” he grumbled, not yet looking at her. 

“Maybe I can help you with that.” added the therapist. 

 

Ben opened his mouth to answer, probably to refuse her help but then, he froze and Phasma could see that he was thinking again at her proposition. He seemed to take a decision and he finally looked at her. 

 

“I made a dream.” said Ben, blushing.

“What kind of dream?” asked Phasma, already having an idea of Ben’s answer. 

“Erotic.” grumbled Ben.

“I didn’t hear.” said Phasma, even if she was lying. She wanted Ben to say it louder, with more conviction and less shame. 

“Erotic.” replied Ben, annoyed that Phasma obliged him to do that. 

“We never really talked about this aspect of your depression but the loss of libido was a possible symptom.” said Phasma.

“I know.” grumbled Ben. “I did some researches when I...when I felt nothing more.” added Ben when he saw Phasma’s surprise. “I thought something was wrong with me.” 

 

Phasma was a little bit disappointed that Ben didn’t ask her when he had a question but it wasn’t really surprising her. But now, that he admit it to her and to see that he was willing to talk to her about this kind of subject, it comforted her than Ben was changing for the best. 

 

“I’m glad to say that you’re getting better Ben.” smiled Phasma and Ben replied with a shy smile, thankful for her to confirm it to him. “So it’s normal for you to feel sexual desire back.” she added. “Especially if you met someone attractive.” she continued and Ben looked down, blushing. “Did you?” she asked. “Was your dream about someone specific?” 

 

Ben nodded after a small hesitation.

 

“Who was it?” asked Phasma, kindly. 

Ben was playing with the hem of his sleeves, debating with himself if he should tell her. Would she mock him? Would she tell him that Poe was too good for him? Phasma wasn’t cruel, has never been but it was something totally new in Ben’s life. His romantic life has never been a subject of his therapy. Probably because it was non-existent until now. And well, it wasn’t existing more now but at least, Ben wondered about it. He looked up at Phasma again. She was like usually, looking at him without judgment. Ben could have trust her until now so maybe he still could. 

 

“It was Poe.” whispered Ben, biting his lower lip. 

“Is it bothering you that it’s Poe?” asked Phasma.

“Poe is my friend and...and I shouldn’t think about him like that.” sighed Ben. 

“Why?”

“Because....because he probably doesn’t feel like that about me...and-” began to ramble Ben.

“Why are you so sure he doesn’t feel like that for you?” asked Phasma.

“Because he is too good for me.” exclaimed Ben, hiding behind a hand on his eyes. “I’m a wreck and Poe is so...so normal.” he sighed, collapsing in his seat and Phasma felt like he thought about it already too much for this attraction to Poe being so sudden. 

“He likes you.” answered Phasma, trying to not let Ben thinking so less of him.

“As a friend.” groaned Ben back. 

“What it couldn’t be more?” asked Phasma, trying to understand Ben’s thinking process on this point. 

“Because we forgive easier a friend than a lover.” answered Ben, biting nervously his lips before swallowing. 

“Ben!”” sighed Phasma. “You will not inevitably always fuck up everything.”

“Well! The odds are against me.” grumbled Ben. 

 

Phasma realized at this moment that even if Ben was getting better, his behavior and his reactions were changing faster than Ben’s doubts. And she knew that Poe could be the only one helping Ben with them. 

 

* * *

 

Poe was not in a good mood. Finn tried to cheer him up but nothing worked. He was worried. More than he wanted to admit it to someone else. But it has been six days since he met Ben outside the center. He has spent a good day, both of them sharing a coffee in a pub and chatting like friends, about things other than the training or Poe’s job. Ben didn’t talk a lot about himself and Poe understood that it was still difficult for him to open to him. But they talked about non-important stuff like their favorites movies, books, things not essential to know but which made them feel like they were true friends. 

Poe expected to see Ben coming back like usually but five days later, Ben was still not appearing again and Poe worried. Did he do something wrong? What did he do? Why Ben wasn’t coming back? Was he in trouble? What if he needed help? Poe needed to now that Ben was alright. He wanted to see him. He was missing him. As much as Kylo was missing her handler. 

Kylo was sat on the stairs of his porch, surrounded by Llewyn, BB and Kylo,the poor girl seeking comfort in Poe. Everyday she looked at the door when the enclosure was open, hoping for her favorite human being to appear and everyday she was disappointed. She wasn’t living well the fact to not see him. She was barely eating and she spent her days lying on the ground, next to Poe. The trainer took her with him every night, wanting to give him comfort as much as he was seeking comfort in her, each of them missing Ben like hell. 

 

* * *

 

When he heard someone knocking on his door, Ben got up from the couch where he was trying to work on one of the manuscripts Hux gave him on automatic mode, with sluggish steps, his mind far away from what he was doing. 

He opened the door and froze. Poe was standing front of him, offering him a little nervous smile. His body reacted before he could think and he slammed the door on Poe’s face before leaning against it.

What was Poe doing here? Ben couldn’t see him. Poe would immediately know that Ben was attracted to him and he would be disgusted with him. Ben didn’t want to lose him. Poe was good, too good for him but Ben was selfish, he still wanted Poe in his life. But he wasn’t ready to face him, not yet. He needed to find a way to hide his feelings for Poe. He needed to control them before seeing Poe again. 

 

“Ben!” called Poe on the other side of the door. “Please! Open the door!”

 

Ben sighed. Poe would leave if he didn’t answer and once he would be able to face him again, he would ask him forgiveness, praying for Poe to forgive him, again. Poe continued to knock on his door for two or three minutes. 

 

“Ben, please! I’m worried for you.” sighed Poe and Ben could hear the sadness in his voice. He hated himself to make Poe sad but he needed to think about himself first for the moment. “I...I’m sorry if I did something wrong.” whispered Poe before leaving. 

 

Something wrong? Why Poe thought he did something wrong? Never. Poe has been perfect with him. Too kind and patient. Ben didn’t deserve that much. Poe didn’t deserve to think he was the one making mistakes. Ben wasn’t the bravest but he learnt to take his responsibilities. 

 

* * *

 

Poe was ready to climb down the stairs when he heard a door opening behind him. In the door-frame, Ben was standing up, messing his hair with a hand, throwing a shy look to Poe before inviting him to enter with a little nod. 

Poe joined him in hurried steps and he stepped in the little flat. Poe already has been there when he made the inspection to give to Ben the approval for Kylo. He liked Ben’s universe. The flat was full of little plane models and mechanic stuffs. Ben told him that it helped to ground him, to work on mechanics. 

Ben was sitting on his couch. Poe took the seat front of him and looked at the other man. He was in pyjamas, with messy hair and also glasses on his nose. Ben touched his tee shirt with self-consciousness but Poe found him beautiful. There was something so simple in Ben’s appearance, it made Poe wanting to touch him, to take him in his arms and to cuddle with him on the couch. 

 

“You did nothing wrong.” mumbled Ben, his mouth hidden in the knees against his chest. 

“So why didn’t you come back?” asked Poe and he wasn’t trying to hide his teary eyes; of fear or relief, he didn’t really know. “Kylo misses you.” added Poe and Ben looked ready to cry. “I miss you.” confessed Poe. 

 

Ben finally looked up at him, surprised before blushing hard. 

 

“I miss you too. Both of you.” whispered Ben.

 

Poe stood up and came to sit next to him on the couch. Ben put down his feet back on the ground. Poe decided to take a risk and he took Ben’s hand in his. The other man breathed in surprise before relaxing slightly when Poe caressed the back of his hand with his thumb. 

 

“What happened Ben?” asked kindly Poe. 

 

Ben breathed out heavily, like to give himself courage. Poe felt Ben pressing his hand harder in Poe’s and Poe tightened back his embrace on it, wanting to show his support. 

 

“I like you.” whispered Ben.

“I like you too.” smiled Poe, relieved. 

“No.” grumbled Ben, frustrated. “I like you.” he repeated, looking intensely at Poe and it took several long seconds to the other man to understand what Ben meant. 

 

Poe felt his breath hitching in his throat. He felt...wonderful if he wanted to be honest. Ben attracted physically almost straight from the beginning but these last months and particularly the weeks they spent exploring their new friendship, Poe felt himself seeking more and more Ben’s company because he loved so much his his witty mind and his deadpan sense of humor and his roguish charm and his way to try to understand the world and...fuck! Poe was so enamoured with this man. And to hear that Ben was feeling more than friendship for him, it was good. Great, actually. 

 

“You aren’t angry?” asked a surprised Ben who caught Poe’s happy smile. 

“I...I am not.” answered Poe, biting his lower lip but he was unable to hide his smile. 

“Why?” asked Ben, not wanting to believe it.

“Because, because it’s good to hear that my feelings are shared.” admitted Poe and he felt Ben trying to take his hand off. He didn’t let him though. “Don’t panic please!”

“You...you can’t like me.” exclaimed Ben.

“You can’t control what I’m feeling Ben.” answered Poe, still stroking Ben’s hand. “Listen! We don’t have to do something about it right now. Kylo will come to live with you and you should focus on that for the moment.” explained Poe. “Alright?”

“Alright.” smiled shyly Ben. 

 

They stayed in silence for a long moment, each of them trying to make peace with the fact that the other one was feeling the same. 

 

“How is Kylo?” asked Ben after a moment and Poe smiled, happy to see that Ben still had his dog in mind. 

“She is sad. But I took care of her.” answered Poe.

“Thank you.” replied Ben. “I hope she will forgive me.” he added, with a nervous smile. 

“She will. She loves you.” said Poe, smiling to Ben, unable to hide his happiness. 

 

He wasn’t really expecting that when he came to see Ben but the young man had the strange ability to surprise him often and when Poe expected the less. 

 

“Can I take you in my arms?” asked Poe. 

 

Ben nodded nervously before sliding his arms around Poe. The other man cuddled in the chest of his friend, enjoying the sensation of strong arms around him and snuggling his nose against his neck, breathing hard the smell of Ben, while he was burying his nose in Poe’s hair. The feeling was well welcomed. They could really get used to it. 

 

* * *

 

Ben was sitting legs-crossed on the floor. Front of him, Kylo was sitting between Llewyn and BB and was voluntarily ignoring him, not forgiving him to have let her for so long. Ben felt guilty. He didn’t think that she would take it so at heart. Ben sighed but when Poe put an hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to try again, Ben nodded. He called Kylo another time and she ignored him another time. 

Ben came closer to her before taking something out of his pocket. It was a an octogonal medal, black with red rays in circle. In the middle, Ben made engraved  _ Kylo  _ in his own handwriting. He heard Poe’s breath hitching. It was supposed to be a gift for when Kylo would come home, beginning their new life together. 

 

“I have something for you.” whispered Ben, showing the medal to Kylo.

 

It seemed to intrigue here and soon, she was walking towards him before snuffling it. After few seconds, she abandoned the medal to begin to lick Ben’s hand and the man took her in his arms, cuddling her against his chest, asking for his forgiveness. Kylo replied with a lot of licks on his face and asking for caresses on her belly. Ben chuckled before being an obedient master and scratching her fur. Soon, BB and Llewyn were joining them and Ben felt like a part of a family with Poe and their dogs. 

 

* * *

 

_ Ben stabbed him through a chest before throwing his body to the ground, letting him bleeding out at his feet. When he looked down, he expected to see the old wrinkled face of Snoke. But it was another wrinkled face and other blue eyes which were looking at him, full of betrayal and disappointment.  _

_ Ben felt his heart freezing and he collapsed on his knees, his hands automatically pressing hard against the bleeding chest, trying to fix what he did.  _

 

_ “No. No no no no no no no.” sobbed Ben, panicking.  _

 

_ A bloody hand touched his face, touched his cheek, tasting the tear on it before falling back on the ground, lifeless.  _

 

_ “DAD!!!!” screamed Ben.  _

 

_ And everything fainted to black.  _

 

* * *

 

Ben woke in a jolt, sweat stucking the sheets on his skin like at every nightmare. His cheeks were wet with tears he couldn’t stop to roll down. His chest was going up and down fastly and Ben’s mind was too shocked to even try to control it. There was nothing he could do. Like there was nothing he could have done to save his father after he stabbed him through the chest. 

An heavy weight lied down on Ben’s chest and through his tears, he could recognize Kylo. Ben buried his fingers her fur and Kylo breathed quietly. Ben followed her lead and soon, he was able to breath again, even if the tears didn’t stop. 

It was a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Even if he felt too real. It was just a nightmare. 

 

* * *

 

When Han Solo looked outside early this morning, he didn’t expect to see his son sat on the stairs at the entry of their house, with his dog lying down at his feet. Han got to grab two mugs of coffee before joining him. 

 

Ben saw a mug appearing like magic front of him. When he looked up, he saw the smirk on his father’s face and he felt the weight pressing on his chest since the last night, lifting. Ben took the mug, nodding his thanks. Han took a seat next to him and both of them stayed silent in the chilly air of the morning. 

Han could see that Ben’s hand were shaking around the mug. Something was putting Ben on edge, Han didn’t miss the teary eyes of his son and how he was trying to hide behind his hair, like he did every time he was ashamed of his own feelings. 

 

“I killed you.” sobbed Ben, finally breaking down and his dog was cuddling soon against him. Ben put an arm around her and Han felt mesmerized to see how Ben was enjoying the contact, something he always hated or at least, Han thought. 

“What?” 

“I...I was stabbing him and...and then you...it was you… bleeding and...and I...I couldn’t do anything to save you.” cried Ben and Han finally understood that he was talking about a dream. 

“Ben!” whispered Han. “Look at me.” 

 

Ben refused to obey so Han put down his mug next to him before taking Ben’s face in his hands and raising up his chin. It broke his heart to see that he could give so much distress to his son. They failed him. They failed him so much. And Ben’s life has been in broken pieces for so long because of them, because of him, because he hasn’t been able to protect him from this monster, because he has been a mediocre father and someone else took his place, promising to Ben what he never has been able to give him. 

 

“I’m sorry.” said Han, ready to spread his heart for his son’s sake. “I should have been here for you. I should have try harder. I failed you and you have all the reasons to hate me.” added Han, feeling relieved when Ben’s head moved slightly to deny it. “But at any moment of my life since you were born, at any moment I stopped to love you.” said Han and Ben’s cheeks were full of tears. “And I will never stop. Never.” finished Han, sliding a hand in Ben’s hair before posing his forehead against his boy’s. 

“I love you Dad!” sobbed Ben and Han buried him in his arms. 

“I love you too kid!” answered Han. “And I’m so proud of you.” 

 

He tightened his embrace on Ben’s body, feeling for the first time since a long time like he finally did the right thing, like he was finally able to help Ben. They stayed there a long time, Han hugging his son like he didn’t do since he was a little boy. Later, he would take on Ben’s offer to come do some hiking with Kylo and he, but it was for later. Now, he wanted to stay here, being the father of his son, like he always should have been. 

 

* * *

 

 

Poe and Ben talked through phonecalls in the next month but Poe was busy with new patients and new dogs to train and Ben was trying to adjust to his life with Kylo so they didn’t have the time to see each other since the day Ben took Kylo home.

But today, they planned to spend the day together, with BB, Kylo and Llewyn of course. Ben proposed to go hiking and Poe was thrilled to go, sharing one of Ben’s interests. 

When Ben arrived, Kylo didn’t lose time and she ran to the two other dogs, happy to find back her two playmates. Poe petted her head with a smile before joining Ben, offering him a huge and when Ben answered with a big smile, without hesitating, he felt his heart stuttering with happiness. He took him in his arms and Ben gave him back his embrace, both feeling relieved to see each other again. When Poe stepped back, he looked at Ben and he found him beautiful, even more than in his memories. 

 

“You look good.” smiled Poe.

“I am.” answered Ben, with a wink and Poe blushed slightly. 

 

Poe was saved from more embarrassment when BB and Llewyn came to greet Ben and the young man gladly answered to their requests of more caresses. 

 

* * *

 

 

Poe was walking a little bit behind Ben, feeling amazed at how physically strong the man was. Poe was in good health but even him was out of breath while Ben and Kylo were walking fast, climbing easily any obstacle on their path. 

Poe remembered when he met Ben for the first time. The man was too thin for his stature, his sweater hanging loosely on his shoulders and with big dark circles under his eyes. Now, it was someone else standing front of Poe. It was a muscular man, with broad shoulders and huge chest. Ben’s sweater was now barely hiding Ben’s strong chest and Poe felt his eyes often being attracted there, feeling himself blushing when his mind was imaging what could be under the fabric. 

Ben was waiting to him at the top of an hill, looking down at him with a smile and Poe felt himself smiling back. He hurried up to join him and soon, they were standing together front of spectacular landing which left Poe speechless. Ben took Poe’s hand and Poe looked at him, happy. 

 

“That’s beautiful.” whispered Poe, looking back front of him.

“I’m glad you like it.” answered Ben. 

 

Poe came closer to him and put his head on Ben’s shoulder, enjoying the peaceful silent around them. 

 

“Could we come back?” asked Poe, projecting himself in the future with Ben and he knew Ben got the same realization because he tightened his grip on Poe’s hand. 

“Sure.” answered Ben before leaning towards Poe.

 

When their lips were brushing against each other’s, both got their breaths hitched. Poe could feel his heart smashing against his chest and when Ben licked his lips, Poe wanted nothing more for him to kiss him. 

 

“Can I?” asked Ben, shyly.

“Fuck yes!” whispered back Poe and Ben smiled, nodding nervously.

 

Both closed their eyes and when their lips touched, it was strange. It has been years since Poe kissed someone and it was probably the same thing for Ben so both of them took seconds to figure out how to make it work. When they found the right way to do it, when their tongues met, Poe felt like he was high too quickly. 

Ben slid his arms around Poe’s waist to bring him closer against him and the other man answered by putting his arms around Ben’s neck. It felt wonderful. Poe was wonderful. Ben wanted for their first kiss to never end. It felt good. It felt right. Like he waited all his life for this moment. When they broke this kiss, they looked at each other, breathing hard before chuckling. 

 

“It was good.” said Poe and Ben smiled, amused that Poe felt the need to confirm it.

“Yeah. It was good.” answered Ben and soon Poe’s lips were back on his. 

 

The second kiss was better. The third kiss was even better. And the fourth kiss was better than the third but not as much than the fifth. 

 

* * *

 

 

Two months and a thousand of kisses later, Poe was getting ready to go out, joining his friends for the evening. He couldn't wait to tell them about Ben.

The young man was there, his head buried in a book, with BB and Kylo at each of his sides and Llewyn lying on his feet. Poe could feel that Ben wasn't in a good mood. He was barely answering to him when Poe was talking to him. Poe didn't know what put him in this state but he didn't want to leave with Ben like that. But he didn't know how to reach him.

 

"How do I look?" asked Poe, trying to engage the conversation again.

"Why my opinion matters?" grumbled Ben, still not looking at him.

 

Poe sighed before joining him and taking the book from his hands, which made him looking at him, finally.

 

"Of course your opinion matters to me Ben." answered Poe, sad that Ben was angry with him without apparent reason.

"Not enough apparently." groaned Ben, crossing his arms on his chest and sulking.

"Ben! What is the problem? " asked Poe, confused and already ready to cancel his evening out.

"Me." snapped Ben. "I am the problem. Since you don't want your friends to know about me." answered angrily Ben.

 

Poe began to understand. He didn't ask Ben to come with him because he knew that Ben wasn't handling well crowded places and too much noise and was uncomfortable with meeting new people. He thought about what Ben didn't want and not about Ben wanted. And now Ben thought that Poe was ashamed of him.

 

"You...you want to come with me?" asked Poe, feeling a little bit dumb to ask only now.

"I don't know." sighed Ben. "At least I would have appreciated to be asked." he added, avoiding Poe's eyes. "To know that I was worthy." confessed Ben and Poe felt awful.

 

He joined Ben, kneeling front of the couch and taking Ben's hands in his.

 

"You are, Ben." said Poe, praying for his boyfriend to believe him.

"I have never been enough for anybody." breathed ou Ben with a shaky voice. "And to think that you though I-" began Ben, trying to not cry.

"You're enough for me." cut Poe, pressing Ben's hands hard in his. "And I hope to be enough for you."

"You are." replied back Ben, without hesitation.

 

Poe raised up his hand to caress Ben's cheek and Ben took it in his own hand before pressing a kiss into his palm.

 

"I'm not so sure." admitted Ben.

"So I am for you." answered Poe, kissing Ben's other hand. "Believe me. Deal?"

"Deal." smiled slightly Ben and Poe stood up to kiss him with all the love he had for him.

"I love you Ben." whispered Poe against these sinful pouty lips.

 

Ben looked shocked and Poe gave him another kiss to prove his point.

 

"Remember. Believe me." smiled Poe, caressing Ben's jaws with his thumb.

"I believe you. " replied a mesmerized Ben and Poe stole him another kiss.

 

At the end, Ben didn't come with Poe, preferring to stay with the dogs, not feeling yet ready to have his relationship with Poe being judged, especially by people who mattered so much to Poe. And maybe he needed some time alone to put his head around the fact that Poe was loving him. And that he was loving him back.

 

* * *

 

 

When Poe got home last night, he asked to Ben to stay the night. Ben hesitated but after Poe’s declaration of love, he was now knowing that Poe was in his life for a long time and so sharing their intimacy was the next logical step. So he accepted. 

 

When he woke, Ben felt lost, not used to feel someone with him in his bed, except for Kylo. But then, he remembered that it wasn’t his bad. It was Poe’s bed and he slept with him, buried in arms, snuggling currently his back against Ben’s chest. Ben smiled slightly when he realized how good it was to wake with Poe at his side. 

When Poe moved slightly against him, Ben felt the erection he wasn’t aware until now. His own erection. Ben felt mortified. What if Poe woke up and feel it? How Ben could explain him that? Well, he could since he remembered easily his science lessons about human anatomy. But yet, he didn’t know how to react. And Poe moving his arse even more against it didn’t help at all. 

Ben moaned before putting an hand on his mouth, trying to muffle down the sounds of pleasure he felt building in his stomach due to Poe’s body pressing harder against his sensitive dick. Ben tried to think about something else, something unpleasant but it wasn’t possible when Poe moved faster. Ben gave up and he took Ben’s hips in his hands, pressing him hard against his cock. 

 

“Finally.” breathed out Poe and Ben realized that he did it on purpose. 

 

All doubts left Ben for the moment, just the goal to give pleasure to Poe, to prove to him that he could be a caring and attentive lover was mattering to him. If he couldn’t have pleasure, at least, he could give some of it to Poe.

Ben put Poe on his back before lying on him and when their cocks pressed against each other, Poe let out a long moan, throwing his head back and Ben bit his neck, provoking even more shivers in Poe’s body. 

Ben kissed every bit of skin he could seen. Poe’s neck, his collarbones before putting his head under Poe’s tee-shirt and he was sucking his nipples, setting Poe on fire. Poe slid a hand in Ben’s silky hair and he pulled. The moan that Ben left out made Poe harder, drunk to be able to create such beautiful sounds in Ben. His lover kissed his stomach and licked Poe’s muscles before breathing on it and Poe was crying from pleasure, wanting for Ben to slow down and to go faster at the same time. 

When Ben took off his pants, Poe blindly threw his hand into the drawer of his nightstand, looking for condoms. When he found them, he managed to put them in Ben’s hand before losing the ability to speak. He felt Ben putting one on his cock and Poe moaned before hissing in pleasure when he felt an hot mouth around him. Poe tried to be tender and to not fuck this mouth but never he experienced such an expert blow job and soon, he was thrusting hard between Ben’s lips, going down deep in Ben’s throat and Poe felt guilty to be so rough with him for their first time. Except that Ben seemed to see no problem with that, moaning around Poe’s cock to give him more sensations and when Poe succeeded to look down, he saw beautiful brown eyes screaming love for him.

It was enough to finish him and with a last hip move, he came in the condom, letting him feeling boneless. He was vaguely aware of Ben taking of the condom before the man was soon close to him and Poe, still full of the pleasure he gave him, kissed him long. Ben gladly joined the kiss and when he felt Ben’s erection pressing against his thigh, Poe broke their kiss. 

 

“Give me a minute and I will give you a reward.” smiled Poe, out of breath. 

 

However, he lost his smile when Ben avoided to look at him. Poe tried to not jump to awful conclusions like Ben regretting what just happened but his lack of enthusiasm to Poe’s promise was painful. 

 

“You can’t.” mumbled Ben.

“What?” asked Poe, sitting up, taking Ben’s face in his hands. “Explain to me.”

“I...I don’t succeed to...to come.” answered Ben, looking down. 

“How that?” asked Poe, confused.

“It means I’m unable to have pleasure.” answered his lover, a little bit frustrated to hide his shame. 

“That’s okay.” said Poe, not wanting to make him feeling bad. 

 

He came closer to took him in his arms and Ben collapsed against him, breathing hard in Poe’s shoulder. 

 

“I’m sorry to be so broken.” muffled Ben and Poe could feel tears on his naked skin.

“Don’t.” answered Poe, kissing Ben’s temple. “I love you.” 

 

Poe rocked him in his arms, whispering again and again to Ben that everything was okay, that they would find a solution together and that he was loving him.

 

* * *

 

While he was walking towards his home after a good day of work, Poe could stop the smile spreading his lips at the sight of the man sitting of what was now his official seat, working on a manuscript, being surrounded by their dogs.

When he met him, more than one year ago, he wasn't expecting for his life to change so much. But now, he couldn't imagine a life without him.

When he stepped on the porch, Ben looked up, his eyes shining behind his glasses and Poe admitted a long time ago that this nerdy look was doing wonder to his fantasies. Both shared a smile and Poe greeted the dogs, always happy to see one of their two favourites human beings. Poe leant forwards, kissing Ben's forehead before his hand slid on Ben's muscular chest, drawing the shapes of his pectoral muscles and Ben chuckled, amused of Poe's obsession for his torso. Poe smiled before nuzzling his nose behind Ben's ear.

 

"I like to have you there." whispered Poe and he felt Ben's blush against his skin.

"I like to be there." answered Ben, pressing his hand around Poe's arm. "It...it feels like home." he added.

 

Poe felt something warm spreading in his chest. He put his chin on Ben's shoulder and with few fingers on his cheek, he turned his face towards his. He looked at Ben with adoration before brushing a lock of hair out of his forehead.

 

"It is." smiled Poe and he didn't let to Ben the opportunity to debate by pressing his lips tenderly against his.

 

When they broke apart, all thoughts had died in Ben's mind, except for his love for Poe.

 

* * *

 

The thrusts of his lover's hips in his body made him feeling so alive. Ben tried to grab the sweaty skin of Poe but the other man took his hands in his, lacing their fingers together.

Ben moaned loudly, letting Poe adoring him with longs kisses. Ben slid a hand in Poe's hair, scratching his skull and Poe looked at him with burning eyes before a huge smile took place on his lips.

Ben felt his heart bursting in love. He was loving this man so much. This man who was taking his time to adoring Ben's body, to make sure that Ben was feeling pleasure at every caress, every kiss.

Ben felt the heat building in his stomach and Poe was letting him any rest, thrusting harder and faster against his prostate. Then he felt Poe coming inside him, groaning with pleasure and Ben let got, finding his release for the first time in years and tears of happiness rolled down on his cheeks.

When Poe looked up at him, he had a confused smile on his lips when he saw the tears before Ben reassured with a lazy smile. Ben raised up a hand before stroking a lock of sweaty hair falling front of Poe's eyes.

 

"I love you." whispered Ben, the emotion clear in his voice and Poe grinned before stealing him a kiss. "You're wonderful." he added and Poe chuckled.

"Thank you." answered Poe with a cheeky wink. "So you are." he added, before cuddling against Ben's chest.

 

Ben closed his arms around Poe's exhausted body and he let the breathing of the man he loved drifting him into sleep.

 

* * *

 

When Poe woke the next morning, Ben wasn’t near him and he felt slightly disappointed to not have his lover with him to spend a lazy morning in their bed. Poe smiled when he thought about the bed as their. His life was now their life and Poe couldn’t be so happy. 

Poe got out of the bed and he smiled when he saw the door of his home opened. He stepped outside before leaning against the doorframe, enjoying the view. Ben was sitting in of the seats, the dogs lying at his feet, enjoying the sun on their furs and Ben was doing the same, his face towards the sky, letting the warmth spreading on his features. 

 

“Are you happy?” asked Poe from the doorframe and he witnessed a smile on Ben’s lips when he heard his voice. 

“I could be.” answered Ben, his eyes still close and still turned towards the sun. 

 

Poe chuckled before sitting next to Ben, taking his hand in his. Ben’s thumb came to stroke Poe’s skin.

 

“Good.” answered Poe, smiling while observing Ben’s profile. 

 

Ben opened his eyes before looking at Poe, with love and true happiness. Their story had a lot of failures and probably still would have in the future. But it was a huge success. And Ben was focusing only on that. 

  
  



End file.
